My need to vent...thanks!

Okay I have like a million things going on in my head right now that I feel like I need to write down, so if this comes out all jumbled, I am sorry. That's kinda how it feels in my thoughts right now.

So I feel like the past 6-9 months my blog posts haven't been like REAL. Obviously they are real and like my life, but not how I feel I used to write or blog. Like this was my place to come and share my random thoughts or feelings or what have you. And lately its been like "Oh look we went here" "Oh guess what this happened". And maybe you like it better that way. But as I was pondering today I was like "I want to write a post how I used to write them, REAL!" I feel like I would feel so much better. Because let's be honest those posts I mentioned above, weren't for me. They we're for the people reading my blog. But ultimately I made this blog for ME. To look back on and see and feel. Like I was trying so hard to have the cutesie blog that everyone just loves to read. or I was trying to be like "OMG we are so amazing because we went to the moon, and met Gerard Butler, and blah blah blah." But I am sick of that, so I am writing how I want and hopefully you like that and that's why you read it. If not, meh! So take it as you will. Anywho...

Sorry about that super random tangent. So...life. It's been super crazy. And some days down right shitty. Here is the thing, I don't want to come off sounding ungrateful or selfish or what have you. I know my life is an incredible life and I know that I have things many don't, and I am blessed beyond belief. But I am going through something that makes it hard to look at the positive in life.

As you are well aware, Jake and I both suffer with some infertility problems. Jake has jacked up sperm and we recently found out that I kill any embryo's that try to implant. SCORE! So the first half of this year has been dealing with failed IVF, finding out I kill embryo's and realizing we have to pay $10,000 regardless of the fact we didn't get pregnant. But a great thing happened. Conference came and I was really uplifted by Uchtdorf's talk about being grateful for our trials. And it changed my whole perspective. When I got the news about killing embryo's I was really distraught. But I was able to say, "Okay let's grab this bull by the horns and deal with it", but Jake and I decided to wait till A)after we moved B) I wanted to get really healthy C) feel like it was the right time and D) run my half marathon in August. So we decided we would come back to trying to conceive this fall sometime. I didn't even want to think about anything till after running my half.

Then something happened...an opportunity came for us to adopt again. It felt like fate. It was a girl I used to know, and she had decided she wanted to give her unborn baby up. We even met with her and the family, and Jake and I both felt like it was an answer to prayers. We weren't getting our hopes up, but we were still excited to see the possibility again. During this time LDS family services announced they we're no longer doing adoptions. I was scared, cause to do an adoption through an agency is at least $30,000+ but not LDS. So I was like well adoption is going to be tricky in the future. So over the last 4 weeks we were clinging on to some hope that this girl would pick us. This last Sunday we got a call, the girl had picked someone else. It sucked. I wasn't mad, I was just so sad. And I almost felt like despair. Then we come to find out that the girl wasn't even really considering us. She had a specific family in mind the whole time, and we we're just there in case they bailed out. Which sucks even more.

So this past week I have been dealing with that. And it's been hard. I have been trying to figure out what on earth I am going to do. Because adoption is going to be even HARDER now, and our chances of conceiving have dropped some.  Some days I wish that infertility wasn't our trial. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I wish it was an easy thing for me to do, like many of the ladies I know. But it isn't and this is life. And you just have to buck up and take it in stride. And I want you to know, I don't always feel this way. Just some moments. Some days. It sucks ass. But once again I know I am incredibly blessed and I know I have a child already and a great husband, and we don't have some of the awful things other people are facing. But in this moment my trial sucks! haha

Thanks for reading. Hope I didn't make you run for the hills and hate my blog! Muah!