A tough {9} Weeks

This last Wednesday my baby bump was nine weeks! It has been a long week to say the least. I had my OBGYN appt for the Monday before so I was 8.5 weeks. I was so excited and I had so many questions for the Dr. It was my first time going to this new OBGYN so I was nervous. I brought my mom with me (cause I'm 22 have a little boy and pregnant and still need my mom). We did the normal stat check and then we went into his office and we talked about my stresses and I showed him the Ultrasound my Fertility Dr printed out for me so he could see the twins and see that they we're identical. He confirmed all this and everything was good. He then said lets go back and look at our ultrasound just so he could get a live view of the twins. I was so excited to see my babies again. 

Unfortunately this went nothing like I thought. He did a normal ultrasound and said he was having a hard time finding the other twin. I started to get a little nervous at this point. He decided he had to do a transvaginal ultrasound at this point so he could really see things. I have done so many at this point I wasn't worried. He left and my mom asked if I was nervous and I said "Kinda, but we'll see." He finally came back in and we got started. He kept looking and looking and still said "I only see one baby." At this point it all went downhill. He proceeded to tell us that if this was his call he would call it a single pregnancy. He then questioned who my dr was and when the ultrasound was done, He also mentioned how this happens a lot and its called Vanishing twin syndrome. But all I heard is "Only ONE baby." He ended the ultrasound and said he called it a "TIE" and he was going to send me to a third opinion to break the "TIE". I got dressed and started to freak out a little. What was this guy telling me? A week ago I got confirmation that I was having IDENTICAL TWINS. Now Im not? I went to go get my blood drawn and then he comes back and says "We will figure this out, worse case scenario your having one. Which is good news cause now your pregnancy isn't high risk!" Uhm, thank you?

So much was going through my mind at this point and I was trying to hold it together in front of my mom. She hugged me and said its okay we will figure it out! I was starting to have a mini panic attack after she left. "What if I lost the baby?" "What if the Dr was just stupid and couldn't see it." "That Dr had zero bedside manner and I hate him now" "Why did he handle that so poorly?" "His ultrasound machine seemed old...maybe thats it" "My fertility dr wouldn't make this up" "I saw two babies last week, one couldn't just disappear." "What if I lost a baby what am I going to tell everyone?" "What will people think?" Seriously these we're all the thoughts running through my head at this point. I called Jake and just let it all out! Poor guy. He told me its going to be okay. That everything was going to work out and maybe I should call my fertility dr and they could get me in. So after I hung up with Jake I did just that. They we're seeing my on Wednesday anyways for a IV so I asked if they could just do both while I was there. They agreed and told me not to worry.

Over the next two days I tried to stay calm and told myself reasons that the OBGYN was wrong. Wednesday finally came. I was nine weeks. I went in and got settled then my fertility Dr walked in and said "So your OB only saw one huh?" I explained the whole situation to him and he said "Well let's have a look" he was quite for a minute and kept moving the "doo hicky" thing around and finally said "Well he was right. There is only one in here." BOOM. The thing I had been fearing was a reality. I just sat there. I didn't want to cry in front of him and the two nurses. He kept looking around for signs of the other twin, there was nothing. So luckily he did something that I am SO GRATEFUL for. He turned the entire focus onto the baby that was still in there. He showed me how loud and healthy its heartbeat was. And that baby was measuring perfectly with my due date. He was even telling my how baby was perfect and you could even see fingers, and the heartbeat flicker. Then he held the ultrasound very still and I saw baby move around. It was such a confirmation that this was real and this baby was going to be okay. I kinda joke and said later "the baby almost like waved at me and said I'm okay mom. I'm here and healthy". It helped me put a lot of things into perspective.

But that's not to say it wasn't really hard. He finished up and the nurses we're kinda lingering. I text my husband and then text my family. Honestly I felt like I was going to disappoint everyone. Everyone was shocked and heartbroken just like I was. We didn't understand and we we're all trying to make sense of things. I was trying to keep all my emotions in tact still at this point. The Dr came back in and was carrying two ultrasounds; the one from just then, and the one from last week. He explained that he was even flabbergasted cause HE KNOWS there we're identical twins in there just a week ago. And even still if you look at the ultrasound. There is without a doubt two babies in there. This also brought some comfort to me. I did have two babies in there. That was true. After he left his fertility coordinator came in, she was talking to me and told me its going to be okay, she then handed me a tissue and I said "I don't wanna cry if I have a baby in there, I feel like I am being ungrateful." She then told me I wasn't and that I can mourn the loss of what I had. So of course I started sobbing. They said they would give me some space. I called Jake to finally talk in person. He was so good. I could tell he didn't understand but it was okay. I called my mom and talked with her about it. I decided I need to just finish this IV and then I could get home and deal with my emotions. 

The day went on with lots and lots of tears. But it also had lots and lots of joy. I kept saying "I don't know I am supposed to feel, sad for the loss of one baby, but happy cause I have a beautiful, healthy, strong, baby and thats all I could ever ask for." It was a tough day. Not knowing what to feel or think or even say to people. After a couple conversations I realized God always has a plan and he is mindful of me. Things happen for a reason. Maybe if I we're to carry both twins I would have lost both. Or maybe I wouldn't be able to handle three children. Or maybe I don't know the reason and I won't find out for awhile or for a long time. But I know it's in Gods hands and he wants this plan for me.  

The next day was better. If you didn't ask me how I was doing then I was fine. The day after that was even better. I still feel like a little tiny piece of me is broken (not to be dramatic) but that's how it feels. But after all of this I look at the ultrasound of that one baby and how perfect it was and how happy it made me and I focus on that. I am so grateful that we are still pregnant with a little miracle baby and that our trial finally has some sunshine in it. I am so grateful for Ashton who is my heaven on earth. He is my guardian angel that was sent from heaven. I don't know if I could make it through my dark days if I didn't have his giggle or smile. Jake and I are starting to make plans for one beautiful baby. We will be a family of four in June and for that I am truly grateful!

How far along? 9 weeks and 4 days

Weight gain? 2 lbs still

Maternity Clothes? My jeans hardly fit anymore. I either have to unbutton them or use an elastic or belly band

Stretch marks? nope. 

Sleep? I have not been able to fall asleep till 1 am and then Ash wakes up at 8 its brutal.

Best moment this week? Seeing one healthy babe. And getting all my Xmas set up finally

Miss anything? Sushi. I didn't take advantage of it nearly enough before I was prego.

Cravings? Slurpee's, Diet pepsi, and veggies with ranch

Any Aversions? Pasta. Threw it up last night. It was awful. Won't be eating that for awhile.

Showing? Super super chubby by the end of the night. Its unfortunate cause I think in my head I look pregnant then I see pics and I think "Nope just fat" haha but I am soaking it in

Belly button in or out? In. I have a black hole belly button

Wedding ring on or off? on

Happy or Moody? Moody hands down. I cried over a song, a tv show, and I have been beast like towards Jake. 

Looking forward to? Getting out of the first trimester. A)because my stress will go down and B) because hopefully I wont be so sick.