Thursday, June 9, 2011
A) You hate long posts
B) You hate people getting super personal in posts
C) You don't like spiritual posts
D) You don't like people posting for just themselves
Because this post is all of those reasons. I really have just felt these overwhelming feelings and I wanted to share them. Its mostly for me but feel free to read.
I was sitting in my bathroom getting ready and was pondering on the temple. I was pondering about my first time ever going through a mere 6 months ago. I was thinking of how I had gotten to that point in my life. It took me back.
When I was in Junior High I was like most preteens who didn't really know who they were and didnt know what they were doing. I had the same group of friends since I could remember. I grew up with these girls. They were in my ward. They lived down the street. They were all I knew and I simply couldn't get away. They weren't the best examples to have around. I knew that, but I still hung around them. Simply by choice. I had a certain friend who really could get me to do a lot of things I didn't want to. (Not saying I don't make my own choices). This leads into my whole point. In 9th grade I made a decision that effected my life for forever. I believe it was in February I was hanging with my best friend I talked about above. We had gone to jamba juice that day and she had recognized two girls from school. I had only seen them around I didn't really know them. We all started talking and it came up that one of the girls had found a wallet in the parking lot with credit cards and an ID. I still to this day don't know what I was thinking but we thought it would be smart to see if we could buy anything with this credit card. Well needless to say it worked. We ended up going to the mall and spending over $ 1,000 on this young mans credit card. I never really talked to those girls again after that day and me and my best friend walked home as if we just went on a little shopping spree for fun. Didn't think anything about it after that day.
A month later I was sitting in my math class when I got a text from my friend saying "The cops called and they know about the credit card." I instantly felt sick. She text me again saying "Don't worry, I denied it. My mom talked to them its all taken care of." I still felt so wrong. Three minutes later the attendance office called and wanted me to come down to the principals office and to bring my things. I knew I was done for. I called my friend and was freaking out. She simply told me to deny and blame it on the other girls. I agreed. I walked into the principals office and first saw my principal, a detective, and... my father. Yikes. The detective questioned me and explained the situation. So like my friend told me to do I simply denied it ever happened. After that my father said "Officer, Jenessa is a good girl and will tell you the truth about anything you need to hear." Uhm WOW!! So I broke down told the officer the whole story. Explained my side from start to finish. He told me I would need to write a statement in the other room and he would still need to investigate the situation. I sat in a meeting room with my father as I wrote down my statement. The whole time I was sitting there my dad let me know how dissappointed he was. I wasn't the daughter he thought I was. I can still say I have never felt more worthless in my entire life. I was in complete utter darkness and no way to get out. I finished school and walked home that day. I wasn't ready to face my mom. I walked in and went straight down to my room. She followed and looked at me and said "Were having a rough day today huh?" She knew I didn't need anymore. She simply asked for my cell phone, the clothes I had stolen, and told me I would be grounded for a long time. She gave me a hug and left.
I was not this person. I was not the type to steal money from people. I didn't have goals to have a criminal record at 15. I didn't want to be the child my parents were dissappointed in. I truly felt I had no one in my life. My friends weren't there. My parents weren't there. I was all alone in a true state of darkness.
The next monday is when my life changed. My sister Jamie was pregnant with my nephew Carson. We found out when she was 20 weeks that he had a heart problem. His left side of his heart wasn't developing. We knew that we would either lose this little boy or we would be fighting a battle to keep him alive. So that on March 13 he was born. That sweet little Angel lived 36 Hours. I didn't get to hold him but I got to see his sweet angelic body and spirit.
After his funeral and dealing with the initial shock that he was gone, I started thinking. I started to think about seeing him in heaven and getting to hold him. Than it hit me. Why would I get the priviledge to be around this angel if I had done wrong. I knew than that I needed to change for the better. I wasn't in the place where good people dwelt.
I finally decided I needed someone. Someone to rely on to put all my burdens on. So I got down on my knees and I prayed. I knew I needed to make the change that day. I got to the point where I dropped all my friends. I would sit home by myself on the weekends. I read my scriptures and said my prayers and truly gained a relationship with my heavenly father. The months I was grounded I found light in complete darkness. I gained a testimony. An actual testimony of the church.
So here I am now today. I'm happily married to my eternal companion in the temple. The day I got my endowments out and I remember looking at my mom with tears in my eyes saying "This is so worth it." It was so worth to go through that hardship in my life. To get to my lowest low and learn about repentance and the amazing power of the atonement to get here to His Holy House. Thats why I know things are meant to happen. Good or bad. I'm grateful for it all.
Now maybe none of that made sense and maybe it was stupid. But I did it for me.