Thursday, July 11, 2013

How to: Be sensitive to the Infertile

I got inspired to write this post when I read a random blog about a girl who was "giving tips" on how to conceive a baby. (I find weird things on the internet k?) And at first I was a little frustrated with her tips and how she made it all seem so EASY! And for a lot of people it is! For a lot of people it isn't! Anyways, I read the comments and a ton of people were bashing on her for being so naive and for her points. I could understand why people were attacking her, but I could also understand why she wrote the post. I remember first trying to conceive and thinking "maybe I'm doing it wrong, if its not happening?"

I  feel like it is easier to be bitter about having infertility than to accept it. It's easy to have a pity party and cry about your trials. But after crying about it so much and feeling like a literal Debbie downer I had to tell myself to not let it control me. (I'm rambling) My point is; there are a lot of people who have infertility and just to save face on those people I am writing this post about what NOT to say to those with infertility, and to give you a little taste about how we feel during the whole process.

You can take it with a grain of salt, or you can toss all that I am saying out the window! I don't care! Each point is Ecard inspired cause I love those little buggars!

"You know, you have to have sex in order to get pregnant right?"
My response to this is... NO shit sherlock! I think when people feel awkward they make jokes and I get this one a lot! I am used to it now, so it doesn't really bug me. But it's just one of those things you get sick of hearing. From the infertility stand point its like, "Uhm yes I knew I had to have sex to get pregnant. I have tried having sex every way possible. Sex everyday, sex every other day, sex two days before I ovulate. Sex in the missionary position. Sex in doggy style." So trust me when I saw, yes I did know that.

"It will happen when you least expect it"
I still get this one. Even after I adopted Ashton. and it's true that's what everyone says. They got pregnant when they least expected it. But for some that's not the case. It didn't ever happen. Or some had to pay 9,000-25,000 dollars to "expect". And I do take into factor that it is gods timing. But still it bugs. End of story. 

"At least you get to have sex, and have fun!"
Okay I see where your coming from. Sex is a lot of fun, and pleasurable. And at the very beginning of trying to conceive it was fun, thinking "oh this could be baby making time". But then you start to track your ovulating and you HAVE to have sex on those days. Then you get stressed if you don't do it at a certain time, and then you start to have it A TON, and it becomes way more a duty/chore than actual sex. Then when you start testing for infertility and for procedures you are told what day, and what time. Did any of that sound fun to you? No.

"You only talk about your infertility problems"
Now with this one, it didn't happen to me too much but I tried not to let it consume me, like I said earlier. But from my stand point when people post pictures every day of their baby it does remind you of your struggle. So when I say it literally consumes your life and its easier to be bitter about it, I'm not lying. I guess for this one just be sensitive and try not to get annoyed.

"You need to stop thinking about it and relax"
This one, oh I could kill. Kill with a sharp knife. I even tried this theory, a couple times. I understand why people say it. Because your stressed about not getting pregnant. Stress causes infertility. Infertility is whats making you not conceive. But oh my laws. It's so annoying. And all because "so and so stopped thinking about it and stopped trying to get pregnant, or adopted and got pregnant." All because they "relaxed". How about you relax when your going through a hard trial and let me know how it goes. Enough said.

"This unwanted pregnancy is making me really sick, and tired, and hormonal"
Now I have never been pregnant so I can't judge what a pregnancy feels like. But I do know, I would give anything to have morning sickness, back pain, restless nights, hormone imbalances, braxton hicks, breast tenderness, food aversions, peeing a lot, being hot. The list could go on and on. But my point is, we would give anything to A) know what its like to be pregnant and carry a human being inside you B) have a child. 

"You want kids? You can have mine!"
Hahaha that one makes me laugh. I understand now that I have my own and some days with your child can be the most trying ones of your life, but still. We don't want your children. Thanks but no thanks

and last but not least:
"You will get pregnant, cause it happened to so and so"
Besides "just relax" this one bugged the shit out of me. I would hear "When Judy did chlomid she only had to do one round and got pregnant, so maybe you will." "When they increased Marcy's dose she got pregnant" "Laresha was diagnosed with PCOS and now has 18 kids!" "Boris only had one testicle and they got twins!" You get my drift. Someone ALWAYS knows someone who did something and got a baby out of it. Well neat. But I kinda don't give a flying rats behind about Judy, Marcy, Laresha, or even Boris. Cause my eggo is still not prego.

Honestly, all we really want is love and support. You don't even have to say anything, just be a shoulder to cry on. Or bring me a big ass box of chocolate after I start my period. Any one can appreciate that! 

One last e-card just because it made me chuckle, and Chlomid made me bat-shit-crazy!

Thanks ya'll for the read!


  1. I truly loved this post!!:) and saying it with ecards was hilarious! Love you Jenessa!

  2. Okay, LOVE this! I can't even begin to comprehend what you guys have gone/still are going through. You are my hero! I think there needs to be more posts like this because sometimes people really just don't know what to do or say to help. I think Ecards are a good start to let people know how to help ;)

  3. These ecards made me laugh. Here's the conclusion that I've come to, some people are empathetic and others are tone deaf. I've had people say things to me that went through the same thing. It's all about being in tune with who you're talking to.
    It's an extremely hard journey and full of emotions. Most of the time, you have to shrug it off and realize, "If they knew what I was going through -- they wouldn't have said that" and move forward. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. What I'm grateful for through all of this, is that I can empathize with couples who struggle with this. We don't talk about it much but it's a painful process and you're right, the reminders are everywhere. I think God sends people into your life to help you with your journey and I've been so grateful for the strangers and friends that have helped me with mine.