Monday, March 31, 2014

The {Not} so perfect pair

So when I did my endometrium biopsy (the procedure from hell) I was told I would hear about results two weeks later. Well two weeks passed and I hadn't heard from them. I called them and they hadn't heard back from the place yet. So finally 3 weeks later they heard back, and we got some interesting news.

From what they could tell from the biopsy, something had implanted from our round of IVF which was so nice to hear. But it turns out my body has natural killers that tell my body that every time something implants its foreign and shouldn't be there so it kills it. YAY! So even if I was getting pregnant over these last 3 years, it wouldn't matter because my body is just killing them off (I doubt I was conceiving on my own considering Jake's sperm into the factor also).

So this is something that is fixable which is good. It's not uncommon for this to happen. However, usually there is a known reason for this. For instance, your blood type can be a factor, but mine isn't in this case. If your family has a history of heart attack or stroke can be a factor, but once again not for me. And lastly if you get rashes, or itchy eyes other then just for allergies can be a factor, and that's a no! So they have no idea why my body is killing off my sweet little embryo's.

So now they have to run an extensive blood test to figure out what is causing this, which is great, but we have to pay anywhere from $800-$1900 which is not so good. It's mother freaking annoying. Jake has jacked up sperm, and I kill our embryos so we aren't an ideal match to make babies together, but we will get over it. Cause we want a brother or sister for Ashton gosh dangit! And even though we aren't the best pair together for making babies, once we do (and we will) they will be so damn cute, almost as cute as Ash. So once again time will tell! But I am feeling good and our life isn't half bad. I am enjoying watching Ashton getting bigger, this whole trial has given me time to appreciate him that much more! :)

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Letter to Birth Mom

This is the letter I wrote to Ashton's birth mom. I just wanted to share! Enjoy!

March 10, 2014
Dear ______,

            I have thought about writing to you since we got Ashton. For many reasons. When we received your letter it made me want to write to you even more. But as I am sure it was hard for to know exactly what to say, I am in that same place. I guess I want to start with the beginning. How Ash came to be in our lives, was no chance. He was and still is our little miracle. I have known your parents since I can remember. So they knew me well. They met my husband when we were just dating, and have seen our marriage from the beginning. When we had been married for six months, we thought we would start trying to start a family. It didn’t happen right away like I thought it would, but I wasn’t too worried. A year had passed with no sign of a pregnancy. Ashton was born that same month. We went to many, many doctors, and found out that both my husband and I have issues, which makes it extremely hard to become pregnant. There is a chance we could but it’s only through IVF and that’s not even for sure. There were far too many nights I would cry myself to sleep thinking I would never be a mom and I would never know the joy a child could bring. It was the one thing I wanted most in my life.

I knew Mark and Les, had guardianship over Ashton, but I had never met him or known the situation. It wasn’t until New Years Eve of 2012 that we met Ashton. We had come over to your parent’s house and Ashton was still up. I remember thinking “he is the most adorable baby”! That night we drove home and my husband and I discussed how cool it would be to adopt a baby, let alone a baby like Ashton. At that time we had been trying almost two years to get pregnant and we were looking into saving money for either IVF or adoption. One night I got a text from Les, asking if we would come and watch Ashton while they went out to dinner. I was so excited to see him again. That night there was something in my head that told me that Ashton was special. When your parents came home I asked them if they had any plans to adopt Ashton, or put him up for adoption. They said they were thinking of a lot of ideas but it was tricky. When we drove home that night, I started crying. I had told my husband that for whatever reason I KNEW that Ashton was supposed to be apart of our lives but I didn’t know how or why. I was really frustrated because it seemed crazy. I never stopped thinking of Ashton after this day. We saw Ashton almost once a week at random places with your parents over the next couple weeks. And every time I would leave upset and feeling so strongly that Ashton was supposed to be in our life. I thought the closest way I could get to see Ash was to babysit. So I offered to watch him on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On February 10, 2013 your parents invited us over. That day forever changed our lives. They told us that they wanted us to be Ashton’s parents through adoption. I had so many emotions. I stood there and sobbed. We finally had some small hope of becoming parents. As you know, there were some rough moments over the next couple months. But I continued watching Ashton, just to be a part of his life even for that little bit.

            On April 8, we went out to dinner with Mark, Leslee, and Ashton. I thought they would be going to court the next day, but to my surprise, they told us that we would be adopting Ashton. The next week and a half was a whirlwind, we were working with lawyers, and social workers, to get Ashton in our home as soon as possible. On my birthday April 25, Ashton was officially placed in our home. The next 6 months went by so fast and we celebrated his birthday, went on trips, did many things that were a first for him. Then on November 7, 2013 we appeared before a judge and he granted us full custody over Ashton. We were his parents and had never been happier. A week later we were sealed in the Provo Temple as a family. We believe in the Church of Jesus Christ and in a Heavenly Father. And I know without a doubt he had his hand in this entire adoption. Not only for us, but for you too.

The day we were told we were going to adopt Ashton, I instantly thought of you. I thought of how you were doing and how you had decided to sign over your rights. And then I became eternally grateful for you. I wish I could express through words how thankful I am for you. How much joy you have given us. I KNOW, that it was possibly the hardest thing you have ever had and will have to do. But if you knew just a smidgen of how happy he makes us, and how happy he is you would know it was not in vain. You have given us the gift of being parents. I’m a mom because of YOU! It’s my greatest joy in life and I know it’s my calling. And none of it would be, if not for you. You have given us light in our darkness. Hope in our sadness. Ashton is the greatest thing that has ever happened to us, and I wish I could tell you just how extremely thankful we will always be to you. I hope to someday meet you and give you the biggest hug!

We changed Ashton’s middle name to Mark, after your dad. He fits the name well! We still see your parents as much as we can. If that doesn’t work out, we send pictures on the daily. We all wanted the same for Ashton and that was to keep Mark and Leslee as grandparents, and to still be apart of their family and lives. Oh he is so loved! He now has 3 sets of grandparents to spoil him. Three families that love every thing he does and love to be in his life. Two parents, that watch in amazement everyday at how adorable, smart, and funny he is. He is oh so spoiled! He never goes a day without. People make fun of me and say everyday of his life is documented! He is such an amazing little boy.

He is almost two and just as smart as ever. He loves to read books, and play with any ball he can get his hands on. He loves to color and is always finding a pen, pencil or crayon to draw on ANYTHING! He can say; Momma, Dadda, Bubba (our dog who he is obsessed with), Papa, Shoe, One, Two, Ball, Please, Thank You. His favorite TV show is ‘Yo Gabba Gabba’, every morning we go down to eat breakfast, he will grab the remote and say “Gabba, Gabba” till I turn it on. He loves string cheese, fruit snacks, French fries, and eggs. He loves being outdoors and recently learned to go down the slide by himself. He has many cousins that he follows around and plays with. He has big beautiful brown eyes, and my favorite is when he smiles really big they go into slits! (That would be his Japanese shining through!) He is called Ash, Asher Basher, Ash Man, Bubbies, and The Boy. He is so smart, and is learning something new every day!

Our hope is that someday for us all to meet together. I know that time isn’t now, but someday when we are all ready, we would love for Ashton to meet you. I would love to keep in contact with you through letters. I want you to hear about his life and what he is up to. I would also love to send you pictures.
In your last letter, you said give him a hug and kiss from you, and I want you to know, we do…everyday. We really are so extremely grateful to you and we love you! I hope you can find peace and love in this letter!


            Ashton’s Mom

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Easter Mini Session

Okay, let's all agree that my little boy is the cutest little thing ever? Right? We got his Easter pics this past week and I was dying over the cuteness! He is my piece of heaven on Earth! Tiff Erickson is a genius and always does amazing! She told me to jump in the pics, so I don't love them with me in them but he looks adorable! Okay enough talk, here they are:

Monday, March 17, 2014

Viva Las Vegas!

For Christmas, Jake bought me tickets to see Celine Dion in Vegas. I was ecstatic! This weekend I finally got to cash in my present and we took a quick trip down to Las Vegas for the weekend. To say we were excited was an understatement. This trip was so needed at this time in our life. It was such an amazing break! We left Friday after Jake got off work, we left later then we wanted, but it all worked out!

We have two traditions, obviously snacks for the drive down (dont worry there IS an apple in that picture), and to stop at the Dairy Queen in Beaver for dinner and ice cream. It's not even that exciting or delicious but it's tradition! So you HAVE to go!
We finally arrived at our hotel at 10:45 Vegas time, but Utah time it was almost midnight, which were usually asleep by then. After driving 6+ hours we were exhausted so we went right to bed! Exciting huh?

The next morning we both slept in till 9 which was heaven on earth! Jake never sleeps in so it was amazing we both did! We hit up Einsteins for breakfast and then headed straight to the pool. The pool was an indoor pool which was disappointing, but luckily they had a sundeck with lounge chairs so I could soak up the 79 degree weather! 

So here is the thing, we got our hotel for free...but the catch was we had to sit through a presentation for their hotel. It was supposed to be only an hour and a half, we ended up walking away 3 hrs later! It was so annoying! But hey our hotel was basically free! And we took this cute picture in the mean time!

Finally it was time! We got all dressed up and headed to the Colesseum for dinner. We had first gone to the Venetian for dinner but realized it would take too much time, then drove to Caesars Palace. We went to three different restaurants but didn't love the wait time or what they had to offer. We finally just decided to go to Cheesecake Factory. I was sad we weren't doing something local but they got us in, in 3 mins. And guess what it was the best food I have ever had at Cheesecake Factory. I got a rib eye steak, and sweet potato fries and the steak was huge and delicious! I felt guilty not finishing it all! Anyways we were fed and ready to sing our hearts out to Mrs. Dion!
The show was incredible! Of course! Would you expect anything else? It was my first time at this show, but I had seen here twice the last time she was in Vegas. She just makes me want to cry. I love her! She rocks my world! I also found out that she had done IVF a total of  8 times to get her three kids! So if she can do it, I can too! 

Jake had been wanting to gamble so we tried the Slots for a while but Luck was not on our side. So he really wanted to do Blackjack, it intimidates me, so I let him just do it. He did really good and put $20 down and it went down and then he got all the way up to $40 and lost it all hahaha! He could not stop talking about it the rest of the trip! We finally were tired enough and headed back to the hotel.
We woke up the next morning and wanted to do a Buffet for breakfast, but after talking to my friend Linsey she told me we had to try this breakfast joint called Blueberry Hill! 
UH-MAZING. Literally best breakfast I have ever had, we will definitely eat there next time we are in Vegas!

We headed home after breakfast, and it all was perfect. Not too long and long enough to get a break from reality! We had so much fun and I am so grateful to my hubbie for getting us the tickets and making this happen! He is the best!

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Picking up the Pieces...

It has be a little over two weeks that we found out IVF didn't work. And although I wish with all my heart I could say I am over it... I'm not. I don't know if I ever will be. But each day gets a little bit better. Each day I am less hurt and depressed.

The week we found out was so extremely hard. I obviously cried the entire day, I tried not to be alone with my thoughts cause I wouldn't stop crying. I felt so loved that day, family and friends who were there for me was incredible. The next day was off and on of tears, luckily I spent the day at my in laws doing random things to keep my mind off of the situation. Wednesday I had to go back into the Infertility Dr. he wanted to do a biopsy of my endometrium to see if that is the cause of it not taking. Basically if felt like the were scraping my entire insides, so...that was fun! The frustrating thing, is we had perfect eggs, and I am at the prime for having children and I am healthy. So there should be no reason it didn't work. So that's why they are testing my endometrium, to see if there is an issue with that. The reason we didn't test this before is because we had no reason to. I haven't received the results yet but I should any day now. I had a couple moments of breaking down that day. But I was on the mend. Everyday after that got a little bit better.

This last week, wasn't hard in the sense that I was upset and crying, but hard with the fact that I didn't know how to feel, or what to do next. I didn't feel myself. One day I was mad at everyone, one day I cried because I was still feeling this way, one day I felt stupid for feeling this way. I was every which way, and I didn't like it at all. Sunday I was telling a friend how I am so stupid for still grieving and that my trial wasn't as hard as some other peoples trials and I needed to get over it. She reminded me that my trial is my trial and of course its okay to grieve over it. It was okay to still be sad because that was the trial I was facing. It brought things to light for me. This past week  I was learning how to move on and how to move on from the situation, while last week I was dealing with grieving.

This week I feel the most normal me. I feel like I am not as in much pain, and I feel like I can handle life again. I am picking up the pieces from the past two weeks, this week. I feel like each day literally I wake up and a little piece of my heart that broke is back in place. Although I know, this will always be painful I can move on. I have made plans for the future finally and feel like I have control over life again which is good for me! We want a baby still very badly so we will probably do IVF as soon as we can. I am not excited to go through the hell again but the ache we have to have more children is stronger so I guess that wins. We just don't know where the money is going to come from this time. Here is the thing I have to focus on, god has a plan for me, and when he says no its cause he has something so much greater than your plan. So I know he will provide the way, one way or the other. Here's to the future and it being brighter!
Somethings to look forward to:
We really have a good chance of moving into a home this year!
Losing weight (having control over my body)
Having sex just for fun again hahaha
Enjoying the three amigos
Living the life of positivity

Monday, March 3, 2014

I'm an Aunt...AGAIN

This last week I became an aunt for the 11th time! My sister Jamie had a sweet baby boy and I have just loved on him as much as I can!

Cade Harley Gillman
February 25, 2014
8 lb 14 oz. 
21 inches long

We call him a football player cause he is just so husky. But seriously the sweetest thing ever!

 I gave him this hat, cause he is a football player! He needs his helmet

This was him today, I could stare at that face all day!