Sunday, February 14, 2016

Untitled (because I don't know how else to name this post)

*This post is not for pitty or for people to feel bad. I am simply journaling/venting and talking about my journey of Depression over the past 8 months. Plus its a super long post so if you just want to skip-a-dee-do-da to the next post, go for it.

During my pregnancy with Boston I was always planning on looking out for signs of Post Partum Depression because I didn't want to suffer from it and I know its a very REAL thing. My sister struggled with it with her second. Our family has a history of Depression, plus I already struggled with bouts of anxiety since I was a tween. So I definitely wasn't being ignorant about this.

When I gave birth I was on cloud nine. I didn't hate my baby. Didn't have thoughts of suicide. I didn't feel like I had any signs or symptoms of Post Partum. Fast forward to 3 months later. Life was finally starting to calm down. I was getting used to two kids, a newborn, my new body, and all the ups and downs this new adventure brought. I was Snap Chatting my friend and asked her if at this point after her baby if she was still feeling exhausted. Sure, babies sometimes don't sleep and newborns are hard. But Boston was sleeping through the night by 6 weeks, I was pretty much not nursing anymore. But I would still need 1-2 naps per day just to function. And even when I wasn't napping I had no drive to do ANYTHING.

We had Boston's baby blessing and the following week events started to happen. His blessing was the last BIG thing we had to do since he was born. I was exhausted. I was extremely impatient with my three year old. Jake and my's relationship has seen better days. But honestly I thought this was "normal" considering this huge life change. Until one night Jake and I we're fighting, over something SO stupid (isn't that always the case?) and I lost it on him. (BEFORE you read this next sentence please don't judge me. I literally was NOT in my right mind)I started screaming, yelling, and crying. I was putting Ashton to sleep and he told me to leave the room because I wasn't being safe with the kids. Well I lost it, I started slapping Jake repeatedly and he was just trying to calm me down, and make sure Ashton was safe. Poor guy, Jake is going straight to heaven.

After this moment I went on the couch and sobbed. I knew instantly that something was wrong with me but I couldn't control it. Jake came out and bless his heart was still as sweet as can be even though his wife was a total psycho. I explained to him that I wasn't okay. I felt like I was losing my mind and I was spiraling down ward with no control. He asked if I wanted to see the Dr. I told him I would think about it. The next night I went to Bunco and I was sitting at a table with my sister who struggles with chronic depression, and a friend who also has in the past struggled with depression. I figured they would be the most perfect people in the world to talk to and they would understand. So I asked my sister "Can you get PPD a few months after you have a baby?" she said "Definitely you can get it up to a year after or something like that, why do you think you have it?" Once again I started sobbing. Explained everything, her and my friend both HIGHLY encouraged me to call my Dr ASAP.

The next day I did just that. They got me in a week later, and surprise surprise I had PPD. I started a medication to help me and within 4 days started seeing a HUGE difference in my life. I wanted to cry tears of joy. I felt almost normal again. Sure I would have a crappy day here and there but that's normal. I could actually function again.

*Side note- I was silly to think that PPD only happened right after you had the baby. That the only symptoms were sadness, not wanting to hold your baby, or wanting to hurt yourself. I was extremely naive about it before. My symptoms were: extreme fatigue, extreme Highs, extreme lows, extremely emotional, no sex drive like at all, and there were times when yes I didn't want to hold my baby not because of anything except for the fact that I just couldn't will myself to make the effort. So it was the most happy day when I found something that made my body feel so much better.

When the Dr and I we're discussing medication and all that Jazz, I asked how long I would be on the prescription. She explained that we would reevaluate when Boston turned 6 months, thats usually the turning point for most women. But she cautioned me that sometimes this is something that could be long term. What sometimes happens is women have had depression before having a baby but they were able to handle it but once they have a baby and add a new and big stress in their lives it triggers that depression. So I kept all this in mind.

Fast forward to Boston turning six months I knew I needed to make an appt and reevaluate with the Dr. But I thought I would be fine, just to go off the medication and see how I do on my own. So "Cold Turkey". Didn't notice much the first day and not to much the second day, but day three, I woke up and felt exactly how I did after having Boston. It took me till late afternoon that day to realize I was being a complete psycho again. So back on the meds. But it made me mad. Why wasn't I getting better? Why wasn't this going away. The reality set in that this might be something I deal with on a regular basis and that's a hard pill to swallow. I knew I needed to get back and see the Dr and talk options but it was around Christmas time and my sister in law was getting married. So I decided to wait till after Hawaii, to go see my family Dr.

Now Boston is a little over 8 months, and we went to Hawaii. The week we were in Hawaii, I was super flakey with my meds. When we got home three days ago I stopped taking it again thinking once again I didn't need it. Then yesterday hit and it was the same old song and dance. Why do I do this to myself? When am I going to learn?

I think I am writing this post so I can accept the fact that this might be chronic depression. And that's been hard for me to accept. I don't want to take a pill to make me happy. I want to just BE. I don't like the hard days cause they are just that HARD. I don't know what my plan is and I have yet to go see my Dr. ( I know, I know I'm going to call him promise) but for now I will just continue on this little journey and try to accept the things I can't change. Xoxo


  1. Hey girl hey. I would love if you and I got together sometime to talk about this if you like. I have struggled with depression since I was 12 years old, and had anxiety since I was really little. I know how scary it can be. I never had PPD but I know how depression is. I love ya and I hope you know you're not alone at all.

  2. Hey! You have no idea who I am. I ran across your blog through Pinterest from some recipes and found this. You aren't alone in depression. I have struggled with it since I was 5, yep, I said 5 years old. Yikes! Most of my life was spent trying to figure out what was wrong with me and until I did, I just lived apart if that makes any sense. My depression came to a peak after I lost 3 babies within 16 months and I fell apart in my Drs. office. With meds and therapy, I got back on track-sort of. I get what you mean about accepting chronic depression. Be grateful for the tender mercies of your family AND medication. Heavenly Father has given us medication for a reason. 50 years ago, we would have been high and dry. Now, we can be back on track and with our own families where we want to be. I literally went decades without getting why I was so sad, so being told that I was chronically depressed actually made me happy. There was a reason for the sadness despite my best efforts. It still sucks and it's not fair and I may hate it. But, at least I know why. I am happy for you that your family is supportive. That will help you tremendously. Good luck!

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