Sunday, September 23, 2012

Another Month

DON'T read if you hate when I post my real feelings on my blog. DON'T read if you don't want to hear me complain. DON'T read if you don't have a sympathy bone for my "infertility".

This month was good! Really good at first. I decided to not let the thoughts of baby take me over. I decided to focus on other things and stop acting so "obsessed" with becoming pregnant and having a baby. I was going to try real hard and I did. I stopped pinning ridiculous pins that raise question to if I am pregnant or not. I decided to stop talking about it all together. This month marked 15 months of not being able to conceive. Not that long no, but long enough.

I had made plans this month to go ahead with Chlomid. Chlomid is a fertility drug that you take 5 days of your cycle day 3 through 7. When you take it, it somehow gives out a signal to my body to release more eggs into my ovaries so we have a higher chance of conceiving. It's not that big of a deal its the first step in getting help in conceiving when neither of your two bodies are doing it on its own. Which has been the case. So this month I was set to have my period on the 19 of September (TMI? welp dont care) than two days later I would take my first dose of Chlomid. On September 20. September 19 came and went. I wasn't shocked last month I got my period on the 28th day like usual just at the end of the day. So that's what I expected. The next day nothing. The next day (the 20) nothing again. Now this was unusual! I have NEVER EVER EVER had a late period. I was either 28 days on the dot or one to two days early. NEVER late. So of course Jake got excited. I didn't I wasn't fooled by this brat of a period. Day 4 of being late comes and still no signs or feelings that a period is approaching. By this time I had taken 2 tests both saying negative.

This morning day 5, I got up felt good and decided I would take another pregnancy test. I had finally given in last night and thought this has to be real. I am never late and this is day 5 of missing my period. This has to be OUR month! I decided I would take one this morning because of two reasons A) Your HCG levels double each day and you have a higher hormone to read if your pregnant B) You also get a more accurate read in the mornings on your first pee. I got up out of bed and went straight to the bathroom, peed on a stick and keep in mind I am legally blind so I cant see much without my contacts in or glasses on. I had neither. Anyways I peed on the stick and THAN put my glasses on. Looked down and there she was....nope not a positive, but my period.

After being 5 days late I finally started my period. Yep she is a royal B!!! Needless to say its been a rough morning. I don't know why my period was 5 days late. I don't know why I have to feel like this. Today I'm frustrated and I am sorry I am putting this all on my blog but this is what's up! I just wanted to be like those normal girls who get pregnant really easy without any help. I just want to not well up inside every 28 days. So now, I am sure I will start Chlomid in 2 days. I know I haven't done this for that long and I know I am so young and have my whole life ahead of me and what not. But it doesn't make this ANY easier. It doesn't wear me out every month. Yes I know god has a plan for me, and yes I know its all in his timing, but I don't understand what I am learning here or why I have to go through this. But I do and all I want out there is for my readers to be sympathetic. Cause somedays I need someone to cry with. Anyways Im going on a tangent. Thanks for reading and dealing with me Jenessa! Love you all!


  1. Im so so sorry Jenessa & Jake (and Bubba of course). You guys are the best and deserve the best. We are crossing our fingers and sending prayers and good thoughts your way. Love you guys!! Let us know if you need anything.. even a shoulder to cry on.

  2. That sucks. I'm really sorry. When we were trying, I got my period 3 weeks late. I thought for 3 weeks that I had to be pregnant even though the tests said I wasn't. It was awful. I hated it. My period was late every month after that. It's why I was so shocked when I finally got knocked up. I was always late, no big deal haha. It's hard, I understand. I hope your luck turns around. You guys will make cute babies. :) Don't give up. Have lots of sex. It will make you feel better. ;)

  3. I'm so sorry, Jenessa. Hey, if you ever need someone to talk, I unfortunately can relate and it is incredibly hard to go through and know how much it hurts to get your hopes up only to be disappointed again. You're going to be an amazing mother someday, don't give up!

  4. jenessa, you know you got lots of shoulders to cry on, anytime you need one. luvyou!!!

  5. First off, I love you to pieces. I appreciate your honest and real feelings. I honestly feel like I connect with you every time I read posts like these.
    I haven't been there and I don't know what it feels like, but what I can sense is that you're incredibly strong. I hope that if I have to experience something similar that I can react like you. I totally understand that you need to cry and mourn the unfortunate times. It's normal and completely ok. I admire you though and you're always in my thoughts and prayers. But let's face it, you're going to be the "cool mom", not just a regular mom. (name that movie) Love you!

  6. I hurt for you Jen. Really I do. I know how much you want this- and deserve this. If it makes you feel any better, I'll have a talk with "the big man" and ask him to send a bambino your way... deal? Have faith my dear... it WILL happen. I know it. Love you!!!!