Another Month

DON'T read if you hate when I post my real feelings on my blog. DON'T read if you don't want to hear me complain. DON'T read if you don't have a sympathy bone for my "infertility".

This month was good! Really good at first. I decided to not let the thoughts of baby take me over. I decided to focus on other things and stop acting so "obsessed" with becoming pregnant and having a baby. I was going to try real hard and I did. I stopped pinning ridiculous pins that raise question to if I am pregnant or not. I decided to stop talking about it all together. This month marked 15 months of not being able to conceive. Not that long no, but long enough.

I had made plans this month to go ahead with Chlomid. Chlomid is a fertility drug that you take 5 days of your cycle day 3 through 7. When you take it, it somehow gives out a signal to my body to release more eggs into my ovaries so we have a higher chance of conceiving. It's not that big of a deal its the first step in getting help in conceiving when neither of your two bodies are doing it on its own. Which has been the case. So this month I was set to have my period on the 19 of September (TMI? welp dont care) than two days later I would take my first dose of Chlomid. On September 20. September 19 came and went. I wasn't shocked last month I got my period on the 28th day like usual just at the end of the day. So that's what I expected. The next day nothing. The next day (the 20) nothing again. Now this was unusual! I have NEVER EVER EVER had a late period. I was either 28 days on the dot or one to two days early. NEVER late. So of course Jake got excited. I didn't I wasn't fooled by this brat of a period. Day 4 of being late comes and still no signs or feelings that a period is approaching. By this time I had taken 2 tests both saying negative.

This morning day 5, I got up felt good and decided I would take another pregnancy test. I had finally given in last night and thought this has to be real. I am never late and this is day 5 of missing my period. This has to be OUR month! I decided I would take one this morning because of two reasons A) Your HCG levels double each day and you have a higher hormone to read if your pregnant B) You also get a more accurate read in the mornings on your first pee. I got up out of bed and went straight to the bathroom, peed on a stick and keep in mind I am legally blind so I cant see much without my contacts in or glasses on. I had neither. Anyways I peed on the stick and THAN put my glasses on. Looked down and there she was....nope not a positive, but my period.

After being 5 days late I finally started my period. Yep she is a royal B!!! Needless to say its been a rough morning. I don't know why my period was 5 days late. I don't know why I have to feel like this. Today I'm frustrated and I am sorry I am putting this all on my blog but this is what's up! I just wanted to be like those normal girls who get pregnant really easy without any help. I just want to not well up inside every 28 days. So now, I am sure I will start Chlomid in 2 days. I know I haven't done this for that long and I know I am so young and have my whole life ahead of me and what not. But it doesn't make this ANY easier. It doesn't wear me out every month. Yes I know god has a plan for me, and yes I know its all in his timing, but I don't understand what I am learning here or why I have to go through this. But I do and all I want out there is for my readers to be sympathetic. Cause somedays I need someone to cry with. Anyways Im going on a tangent. Thanks for reading and dealing with me Jenessa! Love you all!