Monday, February 24, 2014

Our Trial

I have thought about writing this post or not. I have thought about opening up and letting everyone see my little secret I have been keeping since Christmas. I decided I wanted to tell this story so hopefully I can get things written down and off my chest and it can ease the pain. 

As you know, we have been fighting the trial of infertility. This upcoming June will be 3 years of trying to conceive. And as I'm sure you know, from reading previous posts we started going to a new fertility dr and we were planning on doing IVF. Turns out the drugs this new fertility dr put Jake on helped his sperm count and they said we were ready to go forth with IVF. We went in for an appt on Dec 23 and they said we could start doing IVF the very next day. We started doing the process when we found out in Janury my eggs weren't getting big enough for retrieval. So we had to stop and wait another month. The next month being February. This month. I kept this a secret from as many people as I could for fear of it not working or getting pregnant and then miscarrying. It was a long and hard process but we finished up IVF two weeks ago. It was so emotionally draining. It was so physically hard. It was so mentally challenging. Basically it was terrible but I was so excited cause this is the furthest we had come for a potential pregnancy. After butt loads of shots and drugs I was so ready to be done. I actually kept a journal throughtout the entire process and hoped to share it months from now. Maybe someday I will write about IVF through my experience so you can see what its sucks a big one.

Today we were supposed to find out if after all this hard work, if I was finally pregnant after 3 years of having the answer be negative. I went this morning at 9:15 to get my blood drawn. They would be running my blood to test my HCG level which would determine my pregnancy. They told me to run the blood it took about an hour and a half. It had reached 11 am and I started to get worried. The test should have been finished by now. I had some stuff to do so another hour had passed. It was noon. I knew they would have had my results by now, so I decided to call them. When I got a hold of the Dr. I knew instantly by the sound of his voice that my fears were real. He told me that my HCG was a complete ZERO meaning my test was a negative. He told me it should have worked considering I was so young my body was a perfect candidate and my eggs were even perfect. He suggested I have my econometrium tested cause that would be the only that would have stopped the eggs from implanting. I hung up the phone and simply started sobbing. I had some doubts but I didn't honestly believe I would get a negative. I have basically not stopped crying since. 

Its definitely been one of the hardest days. I don't know why things happen they way they do but they do. I just can't believe that this happened. Its sad, and maddening, and frustrating all in one. I was telling my family it almost feels like someone died and I am just going through the motions. I don't know how to feel or what to do next. I don't know when this will ever happen for us. It definitely wont be in the year 2014 and thats hard to take. I won't even be having a baby till at least a year from now. All these things are what I am struggling with at the time. At the same time this was one of the hardest days of my life its also been a day of realization. Realizing how blessed I am. Realizing that my savior has bigger things for me. Realizing that my savior loves me and knows how I am feeling. Jake has been a complete rock and support system for me. He is amazing and I couldn't do this with anyone else. I have a beautiful little boy, who has made this shitastic day a little less awful. He has made me laugh and smile in the middle of tears. He is my miracle boy who came to me on a whim, and will forever make me grateful that I at least have him. I have such an incredible family on both sides. MY family has injected my drugs, been shoulders to cry on, took my family in when I had to go on bedrest, and been wanting this just as much as I did. My sister have been so incredible through this, today when I didn't know what else to do but cry they all three came straight to where I was brought me a drink, a sugar cookie, and flowers. There were lots of hugs, tears, and laughs. But so much comfort. Jakes family has taken Ashton too many times to count while I went to all my appts. They have been a huge support and wanted this for us so much. Mark and Les have been willing to drop everything at anytime to help us. Lastly my savior. I don't know what his plan is for us, but I know he is going to bless us with a child that I bear someday. Its not today and that sucks but I know he has a reason. He has much bigger plans for me. He is getting me through this day and will probably get me through the next days or weeks. I am so grateful I am a member of this gospel. 

There will be brighter days. Some dark and sad ones but as I mentioned above I am so greatly blessed, that I don't have to dwell on that too much.  


  1. girl! I had no idea! I'm so sorry. You are so tough though! Seriously I'm proud of you. I don't think everyone could handle this and you are doing a great job! Thanks for sharing. I think a lot of us forget to count our blessings. It's hard in the moment to have that eternal perspective but once we do, it makes our trials much easier to overcome. I love you girl! and don't hesitate to call me if you ever want to hang out :)

  2. you are amazing and I love you!!!