Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Picking up the Pieces...

It has be a little over two weeks that we found out IVF didn't work. And although I wish with all my heart I could say I am over it... I'm not. I don't know if I ever will be. But each day gets a little bit better. Each day I am less hurt and depressed.

The week we found out was so extremely hard. I obviously cried the entire day, I tried not to be alone with my thoughts cause I wouldn't stop crying. I felt so loved that day, family and friends who were there for me was incredible. The next day was off and on of tears, luckily I spent the day at my in laws doing random things to keep my mind off of the situation. Wednesday I had to go back into the Infertility Dr. he wanted to do a biopsy of my endometrium to see if that is the cause of it not taking. Basically if felt like the were scraping my entire insides, so...that was fun! The frustrating thing, is we had perfect eggs, and I am at the prime for having children and I am healthy. So there should be no reason it didn't work. So that's why they are testing my endometrium, to see if there is an issue with that. The reason we didn't test this before is because we had no reason to. I haven't received the results yet but I should any day now. I had a couple moments of breaking down that day. But I was on the mend. Everyday after that got a little bit better.

This last week, wasn't hard in the sense that I was upset and crying, but hard with the fact that I didn't know how to feel, or what to do next. I didn't feel myself. One day I was mad at everyone, one day I cried because I was still feeling this way, one day I felt stupid for feeling this way. I was every which way, and I didn't like it at all. Sunday I was telling a friend how I am so stupid for still grieving and that my trial wasn't as hard as some other peoples trials and I needed to get over it. She reminded me that my trial is my trial and of course its okay to grieve over it. It was okay to still be sad because that was the trial I was facing. It brought things to light for me. This past week  I was learning how to move on and how to move on from the situation, while last week I was dealing with grieving.

This week I feel the most normal me. I feel like I am not as in much pain, and I feel like I can handle life again. I am picking up the pieces from the past two weeks, this week. I feel like each day literally I wake up and a little piece of my heart that broke is back in place. Although I know, this will always be painful I can move on. I have made plans for the future finally and feel like I have control over life again which is good for me! We want a baby still very badly so we will probably do IVF as soon as we can. I am not excited to go through the hell again but the ache we have to have more children is stronger so I guess that wins. We just don't know where the money is going to come from this time. Here is the thing I have to focus on, god has a plan for me, and when he says no its cause he has something so much greater than your plan. So I know he will provide the way, one way or the other. Here's to the future and it being brighter!
Somethings to look forward to:
We really have a good chance of moving into a home this year!
Losing weight (having control over my body)
Having sex just for fun again hahaha
Enjoying the three amigos
Living the life of positivity

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