Wednesday, December 28, 2011

An Eeyore kind of day

I have this dream. The same dream I've had since 7th grade.
All I have wanted to be since I can remember was a Nurse. I wanted to be the one who actually cares for their patients and enjoys their job. I was even more positive about this fact when my nephew passed away and I saw nurses help my sister and husband. When I took my CNA course I loved all that I learned. Even now working as a CNA, everyday I go into work I remember why I am attempting this dream.

I have this dream. It's a little harder to reach than I thought. I had plans originally to go to UVU and get into their nursing program. Those dreams were shattered when I failed my first semester of college. I decided to find a different route. That route was Provo College. I looked into the possibilities. It wasn't until I had a friend that loved the program and told me how great it was that I was convinced on going their. Finally, my dreams were becoming a reality.

I found out all the pre-requisites I needed for their nursing program. There was a downside by doing my nursing through them I would be paying a whopping total of $50,000 dollars for nursing school. But than I found if I did all my pre-req's at UVU I would be paying much less.

So these 7 months I was getting in majority of my classes done to go to Provo. The game plan was to take Anatomy, and Physiology in January at Provo College. Than summer semester take Chemistry at Provo and Math at UVU. During the summer I could apply to the nursing program and get accepted in for August and graduate with my nursing degree December 2013. I just had to take a CPAT test which assessed my reading, literacy, and math comprehension.


In order for Provo to accept me I had to pass the CPAT with a score of 160 and I had 3 chances. First time I scored a 159... let me repeat that a 159. She explained that I did great on the reading and literacy it was just the math that I really struggled with (story of my life). I had to wait 24 hrs before I could take the test again. So the next week I went in and took it once again. I got a 150. I was so close to passing I could taste it. But this time was a little more discouraging. I had to wait 30 days and I went home crying. But my spirits weren't shot yet.

Today I went to Provo to take the test for the THIRD time. I was very stressed and worried. I even had Jake and my dad give me a blessing. I said a bajillion prayers. I finished up and was extremely worried cause I barely got through the math section and had to guess on a lot. Sure enough my score ended up being 156.

I have felt like Eeyore all day. I can't stop bawling and I feel worthless. I seriously feel so stupid and not up to par. My dream is sitting there right in front of me and I can taste it, yet my abilities aren't good enough. I honestly do believe and know it to be true, that things are supposed to happen for a reason. But I don't understand this one. I keep trying to see the big picture but its not easy. I know my Heavenly Father has a plan for me but I can't figure out what it is. I don't know how to pickup and move on. I certainly don't know where to go from here.

For now, I'm trying not to think about it so I can enjoy my New Years weekend. I am thinking of possibilies to do. I have plans to Nanny for my friend on the day I would have been going to school. I may also retake some classes to get better grades in or do more math classes. But for now I am at a loss. I am going out with the hubb's and going to try to make this Eeyore kind of day, much better. Wish me luck!

*Ideas or thoughts are greatly appreciated!


  1. Oh dear Jenessa. I've been in your shoes many more times than I care to count. I know it's hard not to look at the bad, and be really down on yourself. But I'm here to tell you, you're NOT stupid and you can do anything you set your mind to. It's all a matter of time and patience. Sometimes I have a hard time wondering why certain things happen the way that they do, but they do in fact happen for a reason. Look to your Heavenly Father for help. The answer might not come right away, but it will come eventually. Maybe he just has a different plan for you. & that's not bad. Life will take you where you need to go if you let it. If you need anyone to talk to I'm totally here for you. Love you girl.

  2. I don't doubt this wasn't inspiration. I was reading this girls blog who always gives me inspiration. She said something I think really applied to what you're going through:

    "So look at what I titled this post. Wait for your “manger”. Wait for your something best, rather than settling for something good, or something better. Wait for your something perfect according to Him. I know it can be hard and full of discomfort, just like Mary, but when you see opportunities pass, keep going with faith knowing there is something else to come. That you are not being punished. And when it is His time, it will happen almost immediately. That it will not just bless you, but profoundly help and bless others because of it. Because you waited. Because you trust Him. Because you know that ‘He will not fail thee!’ (Deut. 31: 8)

    You deserve it what He has in store for you. Do not get discouraged. It will come. And It will be perfect. "

    If you want to read the rest of her amazing blog go here :

  3. jenessa, hang in there!! some day you will realize why this all happened, until then, just keep having faith and moving forward. you are so awesome, I think you are amazing for wanting to be a nurse, don't give up on your dream, it will happen!!!! luvyou!

  4. I can't believe that I haven't been on your blog. Don't give up on your dream and you are correct everything does happen for a reason and you might not know now or even later, but you will at some point and look back and say "Now I get it". Having faith is the biggest challenge of it all and having the faith that whatever our Heavenly Father has in store for you and on his time clock you are willing to accept. Maybe right now you are suppose to work on your other classes so that you can be an even better nurse than you are planning on being. Keep your head up and keep going to fulfill your dream, nothing can stop you except yourself and you are not that kind of person.... You are an amazing women and I love ya to death!

  5. Thanks everyone! Seriously I appreciate every single comment. I am doing much better! Love you all for your support!