Sunday, December 16, 2012

A literal Christmas {break}

Is it just me or are Sunday's like THE days to feel so emotional and so uplifted spiritually and mentally. I feel like I usually break down on Sunday's and start my goals for the week and how it will be better, on Sundays. Which is what I should be doing as a LDS member. Today, I was feeling lots of emotions.

I was injected with the HCG about 2 and a half weeks ago. Exactly a week later I was feeling nauseated every single morning. By day 5 of nausea I was feeling it 24/7 and I was sure that I was pregnant. But I felt doubtful cause I technically would only have been 3 weeks. Well it was Friday, and I was supposed to start my period that next day. I woke up feeling sicker than ever and didn't feel like eating but I was also starting to get a cold. Sucky! But I was sure that I was pregnant. Well that night like usual I started my period. I started to cry like usual. It just sucks sometimes. Jake was at work so I just text him and told him "I'm sorry, but I started my period" Like the great husband he is he told me, it didn't matter and that he loved me and I was his everything. I called my mom cause I just wanted someone to talk to. She instantly knew. This month wasn't as hard as it has been, in the past. But I was still distraught, emotional, and upset. Jake and I had decided 4 weeks before when we were starting our 3rd round of chlomid that if we weren't pregnant this month that we would take a break from trying so hard and just LIVE! This has been the hardest part for me this month. I slightly feel like I am giving up. Not a lot just a little. Like what if this would be the month. But I figure if my savior wanted it to happen it would. And I know WE NEED this break. I don't know how long it will be or what we will do when we come back but I know, it will be good for us in the end.

People ask me how I have been doing since Friday, and to be honest. Not great. But not the worse I have ever been. Today, I have cried about it the most. But I feel like I am giving myself this one last day, and this one last blog post about my infertility till we start trying again. Just one last time to let it out how sucky this is and how life is going for us. So no more emotional and annoying posts about what has consumed me for the past 18 months. I am so emotional right now, but I feel okay today. And spiritually fed. After this moment I am excited for what is to come for me. For my relationship with Jake. For our lives. And mostly for my relationship with my savior. Jake and I are literally making a list of all the things we want to do before we have kids. Life is funny the way it works sometimes. But I am grateful for the person I am becoming and the way my life is changing. I am grateful to know I have a husband, who is such a rock and loves me unconditionally. I am grateful for Jesus Christ who suffered for me, and knows EXACTLY what I am going through and loves me also unconditionally. I know my heavenly Father will grant all my righteous desires and has some amazing plan for us!

I am grateful for all of you who read these ridiculous posts! and have shown me so much love! I love you all!! Thanks for everything! Goodnight and AMEN!


  1. Jenessa, I want to be like you when I grow up.:) I think you are amazing!!! and I just love you.

  2. I like your blog. I'll probably even still like it now that you aren't going to post about infertility anymore....maybe. :) Keep being strong. I admire your faith. It reminds me of the things I need to be doing. Merry Christmas!