Monday, November 19, 2012

HCG round 2?

Just kidding I am NOT doing the HCG diet... like ever again! But I do however have to take the drug HCG again. I was really hoping this wouldn't be the case. But lo and behold this is where we are at. Now let me back up and explain the last week or so.

I always hate the after effects of Chlomid. But this time I felt MUCH better than I did last round. And I thought hey I can handle this. about 9 days before I started my period I was feeling super depressed. Now I am not sure if this was chlomid or just something I am going through ( I really think it is Chlomid cause I am a ball full of hormones) I literally didn't want to wake up or be around people or even do anything. I didn't have a drive to do much at all. So last month it was the anxiety and hot flashes this month its been the mood swings that are killer. So it was a Thurs. I was in class when my sister text me and said they were all going on a girls trip the weekend after Thanksgiving. (Side note: I hate being/feeling left out of something. Even if its not intentional I try my hardest to not be) Well I work the entire weekend after thanksgiving so I was for sure not going. So I just started crying in class. Normally I would be uber bummed, but I was like hysterical and just wanted to cry and listen to depressing music hahaha!
Fast forward to Tues. I was having a good day, that night my sister was hosting a party at Bohme and I wanted to support her, so my sister Jamie and I drove together. On the way home we started talking about baby business. By the time I dropped her off we left it with "I will pray for you that it happens". On my drive home I just cried and cried hysterical. I started praying/talking with God and asking him for what seems a miracle. I composed myself before I got home and told myself everything was going to be okay. The next day, I worked all day, got home did homework you know the same routine. I came downstairs and my sink was full of dishes. Which normally is fine, I just got so angry and started scrubbing them and was so mad that Jake didn't do them even though he was supposed to. I ended up hysterically crying again. After it came down to it, Jake got out of me that I was pissed with things in life and that nothing was working out. My sweet husband held me and rubbed my back till I couldn't cry anymore. We went to bed and moved on. The next morning I woke up and was having a really rough morning. I text Jake and told him about it, the sweet man of mine decided to take some of my stresses away by taking me to Texas Roadhouse for dinner.
Everything was all honkey dori, but than we came home and started talking about kids and the future and how it would all happen and I started hysterically crying again! This time was uncontrollable. I called my sister since Jake was asleep and she is always my listening ear. I just couldn't take the burden and pain anymore of this trial. I couldn't take another period. I couldn't take the pain. I couldn't take another round of chlomid. I just felt done. After talking for a long time and finding some comfort in her words I went to bed. I woke up and it was Friday the day I was supposed to start my period. I was happier. That day was the first day I felt okay. We went through the day with no problems or a period. I felt a little glimmer of something. The next day, I woke up to a knock on my door. It was a flourist. My 3 sisters all chipped in together and got me flowers to let me know they were there for me. I felt so much love at that very moment. I knew everything was going to be okay.
 Unfortunately that I started :( it wasn't until 4 that night which was a bummer. But I just didn't want to think about it. I still feel like I am going through the motions.

Today I had to go to the Dr's to get another dose of Chlomid and decide if I needed to take HCG to help me get pregnant. I went in and got violated. Than we decided that it would be best if I did the chlomid along with the HCG. Well after dropping $212 on a chlomid and HCG prescription I am ready for 3rd round of Chlomid and HCG. On tuesday I will go in and get an ultrasound. The ultrasound will look at my ovarian follicle to see if they are functioning normally. What is an ovarian follicle you ask? It is a cell structure that helps the eggs that go into ovulation become mature. It just is another thing that aids in getting pregnant. The eggs start our immature and the follicles help it become mature so it can implant. The HCG will help this along if there is a problem. So till Tuesday I don't know!

Honestly though even though this past week has been the hardest week of my trial, I also haven't felt more blessed and loved in my life. I got numerous texts from friends concerned with my well being. My husband was a solid rock through the whole thing and tried to make it as easy as possible. My sisters all gave me such a sweet gift. I really can't say thank you enough to everyone who cares about me and loves me!


  1. Jenessa, your post just hurts my heart. I wish that we all could take away this burden for you, but I know that all we can do is pray for you and be there for you!! I just loveyou to pieces, and I think you are amazing!! I know you have your sisters and so many people in your life praying for you and there for you, so just know you have me too. luvya. Meg

  2. You are so strong! Seriously, I know sometimes when we're crying in public and such we don't feel so strong, but really, you are! Just always remember that when we feel like things in life are delayed, God has a purpose for it. Whatever is coming in the future for you guys must be absolutely amazing!

  3. Ness, I feel horrible that I was a result of some of your hysterics!! :-( I'm sorry, sis! But if it makes you feel better, we aren't going to St. George anymore. We will go when we ALL can go. (I completely, 100% know what you mean about hating being left out. Worst feeling in the world!!) Wouldn't be a party without you. On the plus side- 7 MORE WEEKS till our CRUISE!!!!!! Yeah, baby!!

    I still pray for you. And I love you. The End.

  4. Awe, Jenessa you're a champ. You and Jake are so awesome.

  5. Ok my eyes were welling up with tears as I read your post. I won't pretend to even imagine that I can understand what you're going through.
    It's ok to cry, it's ok to be disappointed. I feel bad I'm not closer so I can hug you. You are one of the best people that I know. You bring out the fun side in everyone.
    The Lord is in the details of your life and he will not abandon you. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful family who is so loving and attentive. Please know that I love you and I'm so glad that you're in my life. You're in my prayers love.

  6. Oh Jenessa, Im so sorry you guys are having to go through this. You have done an incredible job handling the stress of it all. You are truly amazing. You and Jake will make amazing parents, and this trial will make you stronger. I can't wait for that day when you are pregnant. I am so glad you have such amazing sisters and a great support group. The Lord will bless you, in his time. I wish it was always on our time, but we know all too well it doesn't work that way. This trial will seem like a distant memory one day, one you will never forget, but one you will be glad is over when you are holding your baby. I am sure your children are watching over you and can't wait to join you here on earth. You guys are always in our thoughts and prayers. We love you!