Our First week with Ashton

My first week as a MOM! I still feel weird saying that. It STILL has yet to set in that I am a mom to a beautiful baby boy! Who I love so much. I kinda feel like I a playing house and its all pretend and it will go away.

Any who... first week was a week ago Friday the 19 of April. I got him that morning from Mark and Les and they brought a suitcase full of stuff he would need. That was when I was like "ish just got real!" But I got really excited too cause my sister and I were going to lunch than she was going to help me register for my baby shower that is coming up! We went and the day was delightful. That night we had our friends Nate and Jimmy coming over for dinner and games. We got Ashton to sleep and than played games, but I felt so lame, I fell asleep on them I was so worn out from the day! haha welcome to being a mom right? Ah well!

The next morning we got up and dressed him in a cute little "coming home outfit" I about died and went to heaven. I love this guy! Did I mention that? I had to go to a friends wedding so Jake was left home alone with him for a couple hours. I was nervous, scared out of my mind, excited for Jake to experience him all by himself. He did great! Later that night we went out to dinner with my side of the family for a "Placement Party" it was great. Love the support of our families.

Sunday was day 3 with Ashton. It was our first time taking him to church. I was nervous about what people were going to say or do. But it was awesome everyone was extremely excited for us and kept saying how cool it was. I did have someone come up to me and say they thought my post on Facebook was a joke and didn't believe me till we had him in church. haha too funny.

Monday, oh Monday's!! This was my last shift I had to work before I went on Maternity leave. I was so sad  that Ashton left the night before so he could wake up with grandma and go to the babysitters one last time. But I went and paid my dues. It wasn't too bad. Plus Jake started off my birthday week by taking me to Tucano's and bringing me flowers. 

Tuesday, I went into school for the last time and took my final. I passed go me! I felt so blessed, to be done with school, done with work and become a full time mom to my little boy for 12 weeks. I decided that since we didn't have much going on I would take that time by painting his nursery. The theme is baseball and that's exactly what I painted. I LOVE IT! Turned out so stinking cute!

More pics to come of finished Nursery

Wednesday was shopping day!! We had errands to run and it was interesting and fun to take Ashton with me. We were in the dressing rooms at one point and he thought the boy he saw in the mirror was pretty cute so he gave him a kiss! I'm a little obsessed with him. That night we also had a BBQ with Jake's family.

Thursday was my B-day! (Post to come about that) Ashton was my buddy and I loved walking in to his room and see his grin just light up! I was such a happy momma! We went to lunch and my brothers baseball game. It was awesome.

Friday (yesterday) I wanna call my "mom moment" day. The day before Ashton had taken really crappy naps and was slightly ornery all day. Than yesterday started out the same way but worse  double time worse.  We went out to breakfast and came home and he started crying hysterically. I tried all my options: bottle- no, rocking-no, put in crib and let cry-no, playing-no. Basically I was streached thin. I was also exausted and had pulled a muscle in my back. So just all my patience was running low. And I was going to lose it. So I finally just had had it. I grabbed all the baby crap, ashton, my crap, and shoved us all in the car and just started driving. He finally fell asleep and I started sobbing. I called Jake and told him how Ashton didn't deserve the kind of mom who had low patience and was getting frustrated. It wasn't fair of me to adopt him when I am like this and I felt inadequate as a mom. But Jake assured me I did all I could and I was a great mom. I than met up with my sister and she also assured me that I did fine and that every mom feels this way. You just take it one day at a time. After leaving my running for another hour he finally woke up from a two hour nap and gave me the biggest grin and I fell in love all over again. I remember thinking "Dammit this is hard, but you make is SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO WORTH IT!!" 

I love being a mom. I love what I have been doing every day. I love this little boy so much. He is now my entire world. I love him so much. I am so happy Jake and I found him and made the decision we did. He is our everything now, and we couldn't be happier. Life is absolutely blissful.

Our Adoption Story pt. 3

We had a court date set to go fight the birth parents. It was set for Tuesday, April 9, 2013. Our plan was for the judge to give Mark and Les temporary custody and than they would go over what they wanted for Ashton and hoping for in mediation. Kind of like a divorced couple. I was so nervous for that day and what would come out of it. I felt a little sick. The day before court it was a Monday, I was working when Leslee had called me once again. She asked if Jake and I wanted to go to dinner that night and kind of talk about court and kind of all pray together. We were going to meet her at Cocolito's at 6:30. This is my journal entry of the entire experience from that day to 2 days later:

Wednesday, April 10, 2013
I can't even begin to explain my life the past three days. All I can say is a whirlwind. Monday I was working when I got a call from Les. It was 4 o clock. She asked if Jake and I wanted to to to dinner that night and kinda just prepare for court which was happening the next day. Just kinda to bring good juju to the situation. Of course we were all for it. I walk in to Cocolito's and greeted everyone and was holding Ashton when Les started to tear up. She said "I have some news." I got a pit in my stomach. Uh oh. Last time she said this it wasn't good. So I responded "it's bad news huh?" Than she really started sobbing and said "Esmerelda and Josiah signed papers giving their rights away." I couldn't believe what I had just heard was this real? I started crying and I just said "what? Is this for real?" She explained that Esmerelda had called 2 weeks before and talked to Mark for a couple hours. Turns our her and Josiah had decided that they couldn't handle Ashton right now in their lives and they wanted to get it on track and they were willing to give him up. Mark and Les couldn't believe it. But they didn't want to tell us if they had end up not going through with it. So on Monday Les had stayed home waiting for her Attorney to call her with the news either way. Finally at 3 o clock they called and said that Josiah and Esmerelda signed away their rights and they no longer were Ashton's parents. They can't ever come back and try to get him back. After about 5 mins and it finally sinking in I started sobbing and just got so excited and couldn't believe everything! Jake and i just hugged and couldn't believe it was real. we both were so ecstatic. Than my parents came and I said "mom and dad meet your new grandson" my mom responded "ya right" we explained to her the situation   and she still almost didn't believe me. But than finally she realized what was happening and they got excited. The next morning I was crying cause I was just so grateful and happy. Than that afternoon I was meeting up with my sisters and decided to tell them the news. I told them the situation and once again was crying and Jamie started crying and Kylie started crying they almost didn't believe it. Jamie had goosebumps and it was just so cool. Amy was so excited and couldn't believe what had happened. Everyone was so happy and just started planning a shower right than and couldn't wait for Ashton to join mine and Jakes family. That day we went to he attorney and she explained what would happen next. So we are now in the process of adopting Ashton. We have to get a background check and once we have clearance on that Ashton will be placed in our home and that day will be the day his 6 month waiting period starts. Also during this time we will get a home study and that will also determine our chance of getting Ashton. So Jake has gotten his background check done and good. I will go tomorrow and than we have to do the child abuse background check which will be a week and a half and than Ashton will be in our home. So in 2-3 weeks we will have a baby living in our home. I am excited, stressed, overwhelmed, extremely grateful, nervous, emotional, happy. Just every little emotion. I have so much to do and so little time. But overall I cannot wait to start our little family. More to tell later

That entire week I sobbed everyday. Not bad sobs. But sobs of joy and happiness that this was real and happening to us. And it went so smoothly. 

Today is Friday, April 19, 2013. We found out last night that our child abuse background checks were cleared and Ashton can officially be placed in our home. Today was our first day as a family, and its been so amazing. At this time I have SO SO SO many thoughts and feelings and I want to try to verbalize them ALL and write them down. First off, can I just say how incredibly blessed Jake and I are. Ever since we have found out that Ashton is going to be adopted to us I have felt so overwhelmed with gratfulness to the point where I can't even fathom all that I have been given. Everything has happened for a reason. And absolutely everything has fallen into place, like its all meant to be. I can't express the gratefulness we have for this blessing that came into our lives. Our prayers were answered and dramatically. The next things I am going to write about our ways I have felt the gospel/savior/spirit in my life over the past two weeks.

The day we went to the attorney's we were told what we needed to do in order for Ashton to be in our lives. The first was we had to get a Criminal Background Check and a Child Abuse Background check. We weren't worried about passing the Child Abuse Background check, considering we never beat our children. And we weren't entirely worried about the Criminal background check. I was a little stressed about it, cause when I was 14 I had some issues with the law. I was so stressed that day when I went to go get my clearance on the background check. (I'm sharing all this for a reason) Jake had already passed his. I went in and it literally took 5 mins. I gave them my finger prints and they handed me a paper that said I didn't have any criminal background. I got into my car and just sobbed. Not cause I was shocked but because I was thinking "Thank you Heavenly Father, thank you for not letting my past mistakes be today's trials." It sounds silly but I want to remember that moment.

The attorney had given us two names for social workers to call to come investigate us. She suggested I call both and see who could work with me the fastest. I called the first person on the list. Her name was Teresa Ringger. Within the first two minutes of the phone call, I'm not kidding when I say I felt so strongly that this woman was supposed to be our case worker. She told me she could come the next week and she explained everything to me so I wouldn't stress out. She was so incredibly nice. I talked with her for 15 mins and when I hung up I told Jake "I don't even want to call the other case worker. I KNOW Teresa is who is supposed to come investigate us." Turns out she is INCREDIBLE!! I would highly recommend her again and again to anyone going through a private home study. I felt like I was talking to a friend. After it was over she told us we passed and than over and over again how great of parents we were going to be! We loved her!

The day after the attorney's I told my work, and that I was leaving on Maternity leave. I was surprised to see how genuinely happy people were for Jake and I! People were offering carseats and clothes and wanted to come to my baby shower. Everyone was amazing there. Than that night I got a text that brought me to tears once again (when I say I sobbed the entire week I wasn't kidding). One of my coworkers asked said that she talked with some of the other coworkers and she thought they could all help me go in and buy my crib. I couldn't believe it! Help me buy my crib? I was feeling so so blessed at that point. 

I wanna also point out that my sister Jamie, not only offered her crib mattress, but her crib bedding, infant car seat, AND she and my other sisters are throwing me a HUGE shower to boot. I love her and just wanted to give her the biggest THANK YOU ever!

Side note: I had at least 5 people offer their car seats to me! THAT was awesome

This last Thursday I had to go in for a temple recommend interview, and you have to meet with the stake president. Well normally they have a set day which is, every Tuesday at 7:30 well, I couldn't go cause we were meeting with our case worker that night. So I walked in on Thursday and I said "Thank you so much for meeting with us on your own time, we couldn't come Tuesday cause were adopting this little baby boy and we had someone coming to investigate us and..." he held up his hand and said "Stop right there, you don't need to say anymore. My wife and I adopted our first son and went through the exact same process, I know exactly what your going through." It was the coolest thing. He went on to tell me how amazing it was and that when he was sealed to his son it was the most spiritual thing he had ever been in. It meant a lot to me and it felt awesome.

The day we announced to the world that we had and were going to adopt Ashton was amazing. Just the love that came pouring on us was incredible. The support people gave and the love people showed. I just cant put into words how many people have told us how excited and happy they are for us, and offer to help in some way.

Last but not least I want to write down a text my sister wrote to me. It's a little silly at first and weird. But this is when I was stressing about having his room ready and having all the things a baby needs in the short two weeks I had to prepare:
(Back story- My sister Kylie is 22 weeks pregnant with a little girl she is naming Aniston)

Sent April 12, 2013 at 3:32 AM:
I went to bed early tonight because I was beyond exhausted. I had this vivid crazy dream and now I cant seem to sleep again. I guess its because I needed to text you. I dreamt that I had Aniston at home like right now at this stage and the details on that are super fuzzy because why in the hell would I do that right? Anyways, she was HUGE, perfectly healthy (at 21 weeks gestation of course) not like a newborn at all more like a 10 month old. I was super overwhelmed because I had nothing ready and was really sad because I couldn't even put her in a going home outfit because we were already home and I had nothing for her anyways. And I did breast feed her because I didn't have a boppy and it just felt weird to do it on such a big baby (dreams are so weird) and I was so sad I couldn't breast feed her. And nothing about the new born stage was going right and everything was messed up. I kept crying because I was like, how am I supposed to bond with this baby?! I woke up and thought why did I have that weird dream and why did it affect me so deeply? As I lay here thinking about it I am realizing how its kinda putting me in your shoes. I realize that I needed to tell you something. This isn't your picture perfect moment. There are a lot of this, this time, you are missing out on, a lot of firsts that are so exciting and fun. But none of it matters. This is about eternity, not silly worldly things. This is about a little boy who needed a mom and dad for keeps. Parents that would get to share in the glory on the other side with him. This is about giving him his fighting chance. You will bond with him because you're heart will grow 5x with the love you have for him. How can it not when your world will soon revolve around him. You were his mommy from the first day he took breath, and it just took him a little while to find you. So just in case you even get sad about the first, remember that those are not whats important. The fact that your family doesn't have to search for each other any longer is what's important. And you can still put him in a "bring him home outfit" haha and record the first time you officially brought him "home". Breast feeding is over rated be glad you don't have the pressure. haha. And don't be afraid to say, this is not what I expected or question if you did the right thing. I think its just a natural thing to do with big life changes and I think feeling that makes you normal. Talk to other adoptive moms. Find people who can relate in what your feeling. I can only imagine how overwhelming it is because most people have 9 months and you have two weeks. But remember that you don't need all the things you might think, the pioneers had next to nothing and their love for their child was enough. So don't stress overly about it. Focus on your love for him and the beautiful moment when your life changed forever and you became a mommy. I am so proud of the courage you have. Ashton is a lucky kid. And I am so excited to have him in our family. Heavenly Father made him so easy to love! I honestly can say I don't feel a strong love for random children but I already just love him. He is meant to be. Focus on that love and let it make your bond and don't worry about anything else other than weaving together your family.

That right there is exactly what this whole adoption is. Ashton finding his parents and being sealed to us for time and all eternity. I can't thank my savior enough for giving me this incredible life. For finally giving me the opportunity to be a mom, and Jake a dad. For bringing the sweetest little boy into our lives. For showing me all the great people in my lives. I can't wait to watch him grow up and to be a good mom and dad to him. My  life is complete! I couldn't feel more blessed or happy than I am RIGHT now!

Thank you to everyone who took time to read our story. We love you all!!

Our Adoption story pt. 2

This section of our adoption story is about the day we found out about us being choosen to adopt Ashton. It was the craziest day of my life. It's a journal entry and its titled 3 pm. Turns out 3 pm has been significant throughout this adoption process. It was the time Les called us to come over for them to tell us the big news. It was also the time the Birth parents signed their rights over.

Feburary 10, 2013
"3:00 PM"

That's the time that I got a call. A call that would change my life, forever. Crazy right? I was at church, when I saw that Leslee was calling me. I obviously had to answer. I walked into the hallway and she asked if Jake and I had any plans that night? Lucky for us we didn't. She invited us over to see the baby and come talk babysitting stuff. I told her we would be over sometime after 4. I got a little excited. Could they be telling us that were going to adopt Ashton? No! It would be too good to be true. I told Jake and he asked the same question I was thinking. I told him she said it was to talk about babysitting plans. We got out of church ran home, changed, let the dog out, shoved food down our throats, and left. We got there at 4:50. We chit chatted awhile about the baby and random things. Than Les, started asking me what my schedule was in order to know to watch Ashton. I started telling her, when I saw Mark tap her and say "Go ahead already." This is how the conversation went:

Les: You remember how I told you we have a list of candidates for adopting Ashton?
Me: Ya...
Les: Well, that list is down to one couple..
Me: And...that couple is?
Les: (at this point she is getting tears in her eyes) We feel strongly that you and Jake are supposed to adopt him.
Me: ( I start crying at this point and Jake is getting choked up) Really? I'm sorry I am so emotional.. this is just...
Les: Mark and I have prayed about this over and over again and we know you guys are it. There have been too many instances that tell us your the ones. Ever since New Years eve we have felt strongly about it.

At this point I am crying and Les is crying and its just this incredible feeling throughout the entire house. It's weird really, cause my sister said she felt like he needed to be apart of our lives. Than another good friend of my parents told Les, he had a dream that Jake and I adopted Ashton. And around the same time, I was having strong feelings of adopting him, Les was having the same feelings.
It's been an incredible and emotional night. But we are aware we might have a long battle ahead of us. We might have to fight the parents and go to court. But that little boy is worth it x10. I can't even express into words all that I am feeling right now. All I can ultimately say is, my heavenly father knows what he is doing. And I am so grateful and feeling so extremely blessed by how he has shaped my life. He loves me and DOES answer prayers. All you need is patience.



This day can easily go down as the top three best days of my life. It just all made sense and all made every puzzle piece that was unsolved in my head finally fit together. We each told our parents that night and we started preparing ourselves for what we thought would be a long and hard battle. But we couldn't have been more excited. The Tuesday after this talk we started watching Ashton every Tuesday and Thurs from that point on. The very first Tuesday I was watching him and was overwhelmed with the spirit whispering "This is your son. This is YOUR little boy." That moment was when I knew my Heavenly Father had a very specific plan for us. At this point in our lives I was getting excited and thought for sure this would work out and we had nothing to worry about. But I was trying to not get too invested since this little boy could be taken from us so easily.

At this point we were just starting to watch Ashton and Les was figuring out how to handle this with the attorney. We had two options, first petition to revoke birth parents rights by the state and wait 30 days for them to respond. If they didn't respond in 30 days than we got him, or if they didn't respond correctly we got him. We thought it was an awesome situation. I was starting to make a little life plan for our family in my head and was thinking of all the possibilities. One day I was listening to my favorite artist, Celine Dion and she had come out with a song after she had been trying for years to get pregnant and finally had her little boy. The song was called "A New Day Has Come" this song explained exactly how I felt:

A new day has come
Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

Hush now
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun

This little boy who had entered in our lives, was changing it already. And for the better. We couldn't wait to see what the future held. I started to go through a lot of emotions at this point. I was sure I was losing it! I was watching the TV show Teen mom one day and it was all about Adoption and I cried through the entire episode and there were some feelings that hit me pretty hard this is what I wrote in my journal:

February 25, 2013

Tonight I got home from work, and I have the house all to myself, cause Jake was at the Jazz game with his dad. So I decided to watch my 16 and pregnant since he hates those shows. they were having an adoption special and I thought it sounded interesting. They had brought on the girls from the past who had given their babies up for adoption. I don't know what it was but I cried for most of the show. I just worked a 12 hr shift and was exausted. I also felt like it hit pretty close to home, so that could have been it too. But I just felt so much joy and emotions about these girls telling their stories. And than the adoptive parents came on and told their stories. First of all it truly amazed me how much the birth parents go through and how hard it is for them everyday. In some weird way, it helped me understand more about it. It made me wonder if thats how its going to be for Mark and Les. I just couldn't imagine the pain and heartache to go through to give up a baby. And after watching that episode I just felt incredible love and compassion for those birth parents. They literally are superheros. Than moving on to the birth parents. There was a scene when the adoptive parents gave the birth parents and bracelet that symbolized the baby and how she is connected to both families. and It just made me cry because I want to do something like that for Les, so she knows that he is always apart of her life, and she has given us this amazing gift. and I just feel so blessed so extremely blessed that Les and Mark could make this dream come true for us. That we could have a family and its because of them!

I was really glad I had started writing things down in a journal cause I wanted to remember these moments, and if it came down to us officially adopting Ashton I wanted him to look back and see how we felt and how we fought so hard for him, and how much we loved him from the start. That was important to me. I wanted him to grow up with as normal of an adoption story as possible. One day I wrote him a little letter in my journal explaining everything and this was it:

February 25, 2013

I was thinking about the future. Mostly about our future if we get Ashton. What it will be like when he is 3, 12, 15, 18 and so on. I want him to know what was going on in our life right now and how we felt about everything. How I knew he was supposed to be apart of my life. and how much I love him already.

Dear Ashton,

When I met you, I instantly fell in love. Not like oh my gosh that's my little boy. But the "Oh my gosh he is the cutest and sweetest thing ever." That night was on New Years Eve. A little thought was planted in my head that it would be kinda cool to adopt you. But than on our drive home I mentioned it to Jake and he was like "oh that would be crazy cool!" But I kinda got stressed cause I had never had a baby or would know what to do with a (at the time) 7 month old. Time passed and one night your Grammy Les asked us to watch you for the night. I was excited, cause we would be able to spend one on one time with you and at the time a very small part of me thought, "Hey, maybe Les would think of us for adopting Ashton." It's funny cause after that night that little thought that was planted in my head grew into a dream. Sounds cheesy but that is the only way I could explain it. When your Grammy and Papa came home that night I asked them if they had any ideas on who they would want to adopt you, they mentioned your Aunt Crystal. My heart broke a little bit, cause at that time I was starting to realize I wanted more of you in our lives. We left their house and didn't say anything about us being interested or loving you, cause honestly we had met you twice this being only the second time for Jake and third time for me. On our drive home Jake and I once again threw around the idea of bringing you into our lives. I was a little unsure of all the feelings I was feeling inside at the time. I had to call my mom and tell her what I felt. When I called her she first asked me "If Mark and Leslee were to ask you if you wanted to adopt Ashton, would you." I responded "in a heartbeat. I would take any child that needed our love in a heartbeat." That's just how Jake and I felt about any situation. I went on to her that Les wasn't even considering us and that we really wanted them to. Well, my mom told me that they had highly considered us, but she wasn't sure. My heart jumped a little. After I got off the phone, I started crying. Jake was so confused and I explained "I just can't chase the feeling that Ashton is supposed to be apart of our lives. That he is supposed to be with us. But Jake nothing has worked out "babywise" for us lately I just dont see this happening." I was so distraught. We saw you a week later at dinner. You happened to come to dinner with Grammy and Papa at the same restaurant and the entire time we held you, fed you, played with you, and the same feeling was there. Life went on and I kinda pushed the thought in the back of my head. I went to see my sister Kylie and kinda explained the situation. I couldn't shake the idea of this boy being in our life. She confessed that when she first met you she had the strangest feeling you needed to be apart of our family. Not necessarily hers, but our extended family. It was so weird. She told me I needed to keep pushing for you. On February 2 we went to my brothers baseball auction. It was weird cause while I was getting ready, and I had hoped that Grammy Les, and Papa Mark would come and support my parents and CJ, cause that meant I got to see you again. I saw them and I went right up and said "Where is my baby?" We once again, held you, fed you, played with you. Just to get a little more of you in our life. All my sisters held you and fell in love. You were a perfect fit. We had to leave and I was a little sad to give you up. I couldn't let you go. But you weren't mine to keep. It was extremely frustrating. I was walking out and started talking to Grammy. She told me they had a couple in mind but she didn't want to tell the couple just yet that they were who she wanted, cause she didn't want to disappoint them if it didn't work out. A part of me thought could she be talking to me? But I was still doubtful. We told her what our recent fertility struggles were and she told us over and over we needed to be patient. Lo and Behold she was saying "Be patient, I cant tell you guys right now." I walked away from our conversation feeling sad and disappointed. I went up to my mom and started crying. "Mom I can't explain it, but I know that little boy is supposed to be in our life. I just wish Les would consider us to adopt him." She reassured me and told me Les and Mark really wanted us to be the parents but things weren't working out with the birth parents and she didn't want us to get invested. I felt a little bit better but uneasy. Many times I had mentioned to Les that I would love to watch you Tues and Thurs just to help out. So she said she would keep me posted. Well it wasn't until that incredible Sunday that truly changed our lives forever that I knew this was real. It was February 10 and I got the call from Grammy Les she asked if we wanted to come over and see you and talk babysitting. I hung up the phone a little nervous. I told Jake what had happened and he instantly asked "Do you think they will ask us about Ashton?" I was super hesitant. A small part of me thought yes but a large part thought definitely not. I was so anxious and excited. Well as you know that day they told us the news. I was overcome with so much emotion. I started crying and couldn't believe what I had heard. Someone was giving us our miracle. A miracle we didn't think could or would come true. It was all a whirlwind from that point. You started coming to our house that following Tues and Thurs from then on. The first day I was nervous. What would you think of me? Of Jake? Of the house? Of Bubba? But you were the sweetest baby and everything was so natural and easy with you. I truly enjoyed the first day. That Thurs. I knew. I knew I loved you. You were the perfect little blessing in our lives. I didn't know it was possible to love a baby that I had only met 8 times by this point. I never wanted to let you go. You were perfect. I couldn't stop kissing you. I knew if this didn't work out that I would have a lot of pain and suffering. Both Jake and I. Now its only been 3 weeks but I love you so so so much. I have never loved a child that wasn't necessarily mine, as much as I love you. As of right now, I truly do feel as if you are my son. My little baby boy. As of right now, I don't know where the future is going I don't know if I get to call you mine for all of eternity or if I just get to love you for a little bit. But I feel so strongly that the lord wouldn't put you in my life if he didn't want to. I know there is a reason for all these feelings and thoughts and emotions. Obviously I feel extremely hopeful cause I wrote a letter to a future and older version of you. I just want you to know, I love you to the moon and back. You have completed my life in more ways than one. I love you Ashton!!

Love,
Mommy Jenessa

After I wrote this letter to Ashton, we got some really really hard news. News that I didn't expect or even think would happen, another passage from my journal:

February 26, 2013
Les, came to pick up Ashton tonight and I was excited to hear if she had filed the petition or if Esmerelda came to visit him over the weekend and what not. Well we went into my living room to grab the car seat and I said so did Esmerelda come to see him and Les kind of made a funny face and I was like what? And she was like I have some bad news and I didn't want to tell you. On Monday (yesterday) she got home and it turns out Esmerelda and Josiah served them with papers revoking their rights as guardians. Which is so ridiculous  I have been bawling since Les left. I can't get a hold of myself. I just can't imagine losing that little boy to them! I can't even stand it if they even take him for a trial for one day! Les filed her petition today and the attorney is going to look over it today and call her tomorrow. For now we just have to pray and rely holy on the lord. I am so stressed and upset. I am at a loss. I am going to try and rely on my heavenly father so much at this time.

I wasn't exactly sure what would happen with Ashton at this point. I was so upset. This was going to be more tricky than we had planned and it might not end in our favor. I was so scared too. I remember thinking I just have to love on Ashton even more and kiss him double time. Two days later we got some better news:

February 28, 2013
So yesterday les called me at work and said that She called the attorney and they said let's go for it. They have no idea how the outcome will turn out. But the attorney seems hopeful which put me at ease. The attorney also said they don't know what attorney would have gone through and helped Esmerelda and Josiah because they must not know the whole story. The attorney also said we have a real fighting chance cause of les history she put together. She said its incredible and really well put together so I'm very happy! I'm extremely grateful we have the Cleman's as a support system and as friends. They are amazing! Yesterday was awful I hadn't slept and had to go into work. And than I was exhausted physically emotionally and mentally. So when les called with that it felt like a little relief cause it was some tiny good news in this messed up situation. Still have to pray fast and go to the temple.

I would be lying to you if I told you my faith hadn't been wavering at this time. I didn't know what to do. I remember going through days of being so upset and unsure and I would just cry. Than I would go through other days when I knew he was going to be with us. It was a very trying time. Than to add on to it, we found out our chances of having a child of our own were going to be tough. It would take IVF and would cost a lot of money. But through the whole experience I would look at that little boy and know it was going to be okay in the end. No matter what. It took me a long while to shake these feelings of anger and doubt. But one day I just said STOP have faith. My heavenly father knew me and what I was going through and what I could handle, so I gave it up to him. But I knew he loved me, and wanted me to have my righteous desires met. 

A week later we got the best news of our entire life. It was official we were going to adopt Ashton.

Our Adoption Story pt.1

Where do I begin? Should I start with the fact that we Adopted a little boy. Or with pictures? Or with the story? There is just so much to tell and say and journal about that I might have to take it in certain sections. This will be part 1 of who knows how many. Lets start with pictures and than dive right in.

This is Ashton:

This is Ashton and I:

This is Ashton and Jake:

And this is our new little family:

I want to take you back to the beginning of the beginning. When I just had a little whisper about Ashton coming to our lives. This was at the beginning of January. I had gone to Mark and Leslee's (who from now on I refer to as the grandparents or Mark and Les cause they will forever be in our lives so just remember those names k? K!) to hang with them and my parents, cause they are my parents best friends. It was New Years and Jake and I didn't have any plans, so we were going to be really cool kids and hang with my parents. Even though it was lame, I will never regret going to their house for my New Years. That night I met Ashton. I walked in their home and met him for the first time and Jake and I fell in love. Love at first sight. We held him, played with him, fed him, and even helped put him to sleep. Something lit my brain up that night with thoughts of Ashton. We were driving home and Jake and I played around with the idea of how cool it would be to adopt Ashton. But that was just a fun thought and that was that. 

 A week later we were at Cocolito's and happened to run into my parents who were eating dinner with Mark, Les, and Ashton. Once again we held him, fed him, played with him, and fell in love once again.

Fast forward to a week later. Les called and asked if we would watch him that Saturday night while they went out to dinner with my parents. I seriously had this thought in my head: Maybe if we watch him they would consider us for adoption. Well we fell hard for him that night. He was such a joy. I want to read my journal entry from that night.

All the stories I am about to share come from my private and personal journal (believe it or not I am private with some things.):

Now for Privacy sake I have changed Ashton's birth parents names to Esmerelda and Josiah; very random and you in no way can link it to them. 

January 31, 2013

Today was one of those days when I was feeling every which way! Just so many things have happened lately and I just feel overwhelmed but that's not even the word I am thinking of. Last weekend jake and I had the opportunity to go watch my mom's friend Leslee's little grandson. Now there is a back story on this. Her step daughter Esmerelda who was on all sorts of drugs and was dating someone else on drugs got pregnant. Les and her Hubbie Mark decided they would take guardianship over this baby when he was born till Esmerelda  got out of jail from taking drugs while pregnant and till she cleaned up her life. Well turns out she still hasn't cleaned up her life and the baby Ashton is now 8 months old. Les has been really considering finding adoptive parents for him. But Esmerelda and Josiah have to allow it. After finding this out and falling in love with Ashton we kinda hoped Les would consider us to adopt him. But it's a little more complicated than that. Her other stepdaughter, Esmerelda's sister is being considered to adopt him. But Les said they're are complications with that. Such as she would have to never have a relationship with her sister again. She would have to be active in the church. As Les was telling me this I felt like Jake and I would really fit the criteria. And I told my mom it would be nice if Les would even consider us. Well apparently Les told my mom she had been considering us a lot lately. I got really excited. But than I also got really emotional and kind of have been this past week. Probably because it doesn't seem like this amazing opportunity could really happen. But honestly it feels so right. I really can't stop thinking and feeling like I need to be apart of his life. It kinda would make sense to me why I can't get pregnant these long 19 or so months. Because of Ashton. But a big part of me feels like it can't or won't happen. I feel like I may be reading into it so much that I am getting overly consumed. I can't help but honestly feel that we should adopt him. I know I am desperate for kids right now. I want one so bad. And I haven't been thinking about it for awhile now. But there are moments where my heart literally aches cause I yearn for children or a baby that bad. I don't think I can get pregnant on my own and I don't know why and its extremely frustrating. Jake and I decided that in March we are going to a fertility specialist. I don't know who were going to yet just that we decided to start again in March. So today is one of those days where my heart is aching. Aching for the very unknown and unpredictable future.

The same night we watched Ashton and Les was telling me about having people adopt him I remember driving home and crying. I remember feeling so frustrated about the feelings I had about adopting Ashton and  feeling like that we would never be able to accomplish these intense feelings I had. I had later found out that, that very night that I was feeling the spirit tell me that Ashton was supposed to be in my life, he was telling Les and Mark the same things. She had told my mom that night that she felt strongly about Jake and I adopting Ashton. 

A week again and I had mentioned to my sister Kylie about meeting Ashton and feeling this way about him, my sister also mentioned that when she met Ashton when he was a teeny tiny baby she had a feeling like he was supposed to be in our family somehow. I started to get even more emotional about trying to get Ashton in our lives and how.

February 4, 2013

Today, I don't have a title cause I am not feeling titles today. Today is just a recap on all that's happened and how I feel about that. Its been about two weeks now since I first felt like I needed Ashton in my life and he belongs there. I feel like I get even more emotional about it now, cause it feels so right and real. I feel like I always want to see him and hope he is around more. Lately, more news has come up about him being in our lives. Saturday night we had my brothers baseball auction to go to. My mom invited all our siblings and all of her friends. So Mark, Leslee, and Ashton were there. I was hoping he would be, and he was!! I of course held him the entire time, and took care of him. So, I had been wanting to talk to my mom about the way I had been feeling all week about this little boy. But she was out of town and than that night I went up to her and just explained a little bit about how i felt, she told me these exact words "Les told me in strict confidence that she feels strongly that you and Jake should be his adoptive parents." I felt more hopeful. But as I was talking to Les, she still has never said the words that we are the ones she choose, but her and Mark have said they have made a decision on who should get him. But when I was talking to Les, she told me things indirectly towards the hopeful adoptive parents, but not necessarily saying our name. But she said that she doesn't want to tell this couple she is looking for them to be the parents cause there is a big chance she could not get parental guidance over ashton and we could end up putting all our eggs in one basket and losing them all. There is a chance that Esmerelda and Josiah wont sign over papers. There is a chance we could put all this money into and it would be thrown away without ashton. So I completely get why she is doing this. It just is hard, I KNOW were supposed to have that little boy in our lives. But sometimes the world works differently than you planned and heavenly father still has different plans for us. So we are going to keep going like we would and see how it all works out.

Stay tuned for part 2. The day we found out we were the couple chosen to adopt Ashton. 

My {OLD} man!

On April 6, it was Jake's birthday. I was so excited freaked out. My hubbie is a year from turning 30! Where did the time go? I couldn't be happier that we have been together for this long now but I was just in shock that he turned 29. I married an old guy what can I say?

I knew I wanted to make his birthday both exciting, fun, and memorable. And of course he never complains no matter what we do but it was good. We started the festivities Friday night when we had his cousins come over for a game night. This doesn't sound that great, but Jake's favorite thing is to have people over for game nights, especially family. So the fact that I let it all happened just the way he wanted he was thrilled! The next morning we both got to sleep in, and when we got up I went straight downstairs and made his favorite breakfast which is crepes. It was delish and made him a happy boy.

During breakfast he got to open one gift. He got a brand new Hurley hat that was springish colors. He loved it, but it was too big! boo!

After breakfast we got dressed all cute for the big birthday celebration at his parents. And of course we had to take our traditional picture of the birthday person by the balloon wreath. Its both our favorite tradition about Birthdays. 

I wanted to take out to dinner but he had priesthood that night so I settled for lunch. We dropped the dog off and headed out for lunch. Jake picked Kneaders. I wasn't thrilled but of course he proved me wrong like always rarely. It was a fun little date and I am glad we did it together. 

We met up with Jakes family after lunch and of course did Jake's two favorite things, played sports OUTSIDE, and play games inside. Unfortunately we were only outside for 45 min before it started pouring rain. I felt bad. But he still had fun. 

We played games for another two hours or so. Than we finally ate dinner which was homemade PF Changs lettuce wraps. Also good. We let Jake open his presents where he was very spoiled. I got him new Nike running shoes and he was so stoked! I was so glad.

His face says it ALL

The men left a little after dinner for priesthood. And Jake said over and over again it was one of the best birthdays! I was happy but it still wasn't over. The next day which was Sunday we did just dessert with my family. Jake got more clothes and another pair of nice shoes. He got cash from everyone in my family, (he is obsessed with money!) I made him a basketball cake that I was so proud of! It turned out so cute!

He is Risen!

We had such a lovely Easter Sunday  It was wonderful. The night before we had so much going on and to do that day. We started the night off with going to dinner with Mark, Leslee, Jerry, Julie, and baby Ashton. We met up to give Ashton a little Easter gift from Jake and I. We wanted to give him a little outfit and some toys! He ended up loving the balls and Leslee thought the outfit was adorable.

Later that night we got home and I was determined to dye eggs even if it was just good ol Jake and me. We had bought a tie dye egg kit 2 years before and finally got a chance to use it. The eggs actually turned out cute. Naturally I enjoyed myself but even Jake said he had fun! That's got to mean something right?

Magical right??

The next morning we obviously went hunting for our Easter Baskets from the Easter bunny. This year the Easter bunny hid ours really good. And we were very spoiled. Jake got a new Easter Sunday tie and football. I got a tulle skirt and new dress. We were ecstatic. 

We started to get ready for Church and I was listening to church music when the song Jesus Once of Humble Birth came on and the lyrics hit me so hard about Christ being risen and what he does for me and my life. It totally brought the Easter spirit in my heart. And right when I needed it too!

After we went to my mom's for Easter dinner and a Egg hunt! It was a wonderful Easter Sunday.