Saturday, April 20, 2013

Our Adoption story pt. 2

This section of our adoption story is about the day we found out about us being choosen to adopt Ashton. It was the craziest day of my life. It's a journal entry and its titled 3 pm. Turns out 3 pm has been significant throughout this adoption process. It was the time Les called us to come over for them to tell us the big news. It was also the time the Birth parents signed their rights over.

Feburary 10, 2013
"3:00 PM"

That's the time that I got a call. A call that would change my life, forever. Crazy right? I was at church, when I saw that Leslee was calling me. I obviously had to answer. I walked into the hallway and she asked if Jake and I had any plans that night? Lucky for us we didn't. She invited us over to see the baby and come talk babysitting stuff. I told her we would be over sometime after 4. I got a little excited. Could they be telling us that were going to adopt Ashton? No! It would be too good to be true. I told Jake and he asked the same question I was thinking. I told him she said it was to talk about babysitting plans. We got out of church ran home, changed, let the dog out, shoved food down our throats, and left. We got there at 4:50. We chit chatted awhile about the baby and random things. Than Les, started asking me what my schedule was in order to know to watch Ashton. I started telling her, when I saw Mark tap her and say "Go ahead already." This is how the conversation went:

Les: You remember how I told you we have a list of candidates for adopting Ashton?
Me: Ya...
Les: Well, that list is down to one couple..
Me: And...that couple is?
Les: (at this point she is getting tears in her eyes) We feel strongly that you and Jake are supposed to adopt him.
Me: ( I start crying at this point and Jake is getting choked up) Really? I'm sorry I am so emotional.. this is just...
Les: Mark and I have prayed about this over and over again and we know you guys are it. There have been too many instances that tell us your the ones. Ever since New Years eve we have felt strongly about it.

At this point I am crying and Les is crying and its just this incredible feeling throughout the entire house. It's weird really, cause my sister said she felt like he needed to be apart of our lives. Than another good friend of my parents told Les, he had a dream that Jake and I adopted Ashton. And around the same time, I was having strong feelings of adopting him, Les was having the same feelings.
It's been an incredible and emotional night. But we are aware we might have a long battle ahead of us. We might have to fight the parents and go to court. But that little boy is worth it x10. I can't even express into words all that I am feeling right now. All I can ultimately say is, my heavenly father knows what he is doing. And I am so grateful and feeling so extremely blessed by how he has shaped my life. He loves me and DOES answer prayers. All you need is patience.

This day can easily go down as the top three best days of my life. It just all made sense and all made every puzzle piece that was unsolved in my head finally fit together. We each told our parents that night and we started preparing ourselves for what we thought would be a long and hard battle. But we couldn't have been more excited. The Tuesday after this talk we started watching Ashton every Tuesday and Thurs from that point on. The very first Tuesday I was watching him and was overwhelmed with the spirit whispering "This is your son. This is YOUR little boy." That moment was when I knew my Heavenly Father had a very specific plan for us. At this point in our lives I was getting excited and thought for sure this would work out and we had nothing to worry about. But I was trying to not get too invested since this little boy could be taken from us so easily.

At this point we were just starting to watch Ashton and Les was figuring out how to handle this with the attorney. We had two options, first petition to revoke birth parents rights by the state and wait 30 days for them to respond. If they didn't respond in 30 days than we got him, or if they didn't respond correctly we got him. We thought it was an awesome situation. I was starting to make a little life plan for our family in my head and was thinking of all the possibilities. One day I was listening to my favorite artist, Celine Dion and she had come out with a song after she had been trying for years to get pregnant and finally had her little boy. The song was called "A New Day Has Come" this song explained exactly how I felt:
A new day has come
Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

Hush now
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun

This little boy who had entered in our lives, was changing it already. And for the better. We couldn't wait to see what the future held. I started to go through a lot of emotions at this point. I was sure I was losing it! I was watching the TV show Teen mom one day and it was all about Adoption and I cried through the entire episode and there were some feelings that hit me pretty hard this is what I wrote in my journal:

February 25, 2013

Tonight I got home from work, and I have the house all to myself, cause Jake was at the Jazz game with his dad. So I decided to watch my 16 and pregnant since he hates those shows. they were having an adoption special and I thought it sounded interesting. They had brought on the girls from the past who had given their babies up for adoption. I don't know what it was but I cried for most of the show. I just worked a 12 hr shift and was exausted. I also felt like it hit pretty close to home, so that could have been it too. But I just felt so much joy and emotions about these girls telling their stories. And than the adoptive parents came on and told their stories. First of all it truly amazed me how much the birth parents go through and how hard it is for them everyday. In some weird way, it helped me understand more about it. It made me wonder if thats how its going to be for Mark and Les. I just couldn't imagine the pain and heartache to go through to give up a baby. And after watching that episode I just felt incredible love and compassion for those birth parents. They literally are superheros. Than moving on to the birth parents. There was a scene when the adoptive parents gave the birth parents and bracelet that symbolized the baby and how she is connected to both families. and It just made me cry because I want to do something like that for Les, so she knows that he is always apart of her life, and she has given us this amazing gift. and I just feel so blessed so extremely blessed that Les and Mark could make this dream come true for us. That we could have a family and its because of them!

I was really glad I had started writing things down in a journal cause I wanted to remember these moments, and if it came down to us officially adopting Ashton I wanted him to look back and see how we felt and how we fought so hard for him, and how much we loved him from the start. That was important to me. I wanted him to grow up with as normal of an adoption story as possible. One day I wrote him a little letter in my journal explaining everything and this was it:

February 25, 2013

I was thinking about the future. Mostly about our future if we get Ashton. What it will be like when he is 3, 12, 15, 18 and so on. I want him to know what was going on in our life right now and how we felt about everything. How I knew he was supposed to be apart of my life. and how much I love him already.

Dear Ashton,

When I met you, I instantly fell in love. Not like oh my gosh that's my little boy. But the "Oh my gosh he is the cutest and sweetest thing ever." That night was on New Years Eve. A little thought was planted in my head that it would be kinda cool to adopt you. But than on our drive home I mentioned it to Jake and he was like "oh that would be crazy cool!" But I kinda got stressed cause I had never had a baby or would know what to do with a (at the time) 7 month old. Time passed and one night your Grammy Les asked us to watch you for the night. I was excited, cause we would be able to spend one on one time with you and at the time a very small part of me thought, "Hey, maybe Les would think of us for adopting Ashton." It's funny cause after that night that little thought that was planted in my head grew into a dream. Sounds cheesy but that is the only way I could explain it. When your Grammy and Papa came home that night I asked them if they had any ideas on who they would want to adopt you, they mentioned your Aunt Crystal. My heart broke a little bit, cause at that time I was starting to realize I wanted more of you in our lives. We left their house and didn't say anything about us being interested or loving you, cause honestly we had met you twice this being only the second time for Jake and third time for me. On our drive home Jake and I once again threw around the idea of bringing you into our lives. I was a little unsure of all the feelings I was feeling inside at the time. I had to call my mom and tell her what I felt. When I called her she first asked me "If Mark and Leslee were to ask you if you wanted to adopt Ashton, would you." I responded "in a heartbeat. I would take any child that needed our love in a heartbeat." That's just how Jake and I felt about any situation. I went on to her that Les wasn't even considering us and that we really wanted them to. Well, my mom told me that they had highly considered us, but she wasn't sure. My heart jumped a little. After I got off the phone, I started crying. Jake was so confused and I explained "I just can't chase the feeling that Ashton is supposed to be apart of our lives. That he is supposed to be with us. But Jake nothing has worked out "babywise" for us lately I just dont see this happening." I was so distraught. We saw you a week later at dinner. You happened to come to dinner with Grammy and Papa at the same restaurant and the entire time we held you, fed you, played with you, and the same feeling was there. Life went on and I kinda pushed the thought in the back of my head. I went to see my sister Kylie and kinda explained the situation. I couldn't shake the idea of this boy being in our life. She confessed that when she first met you she had the strangest feeling you needed to be apart of our family. Not necessarily hers, but our extended family. It was so weird. She told me I needed to keep pushing for you. On February 2 we went to my brothers baseball auction. It was weird cause while I was getting ready, and I had hoped that Grammy Les, and Papa Mark would come and support my parents and CJ, cause that meant I got to see you again. I saw them and I went right up and said "Where is my baby?" We once again, held you, fed you, played with you. Just to get a little more of you in our life. All my sisters held you and fell in love. You were a perfect fit. We had to leave and I was a little sad to give you up. I couldn't let you go. But you weren't mine to keep. It was extremely frustrating. I was walking out and started talking to Grammy. She told me they had a couple in mind but she didn't want to tell the couple just yet that they were who she wanted, cause she didn't want to disappoint them if it didn't work out. A part of me thought could she be talking to me? But I was still doubtful. We told her what our recent fertility struggles were and she told us over and over we needed to be patient. Lo and Behold she was saying "Be patient, I cant tell you guys right now." I walked away from our conversation feeling sad and disappointed. I went up to my mom and started crying. "Mom I can't explain it, but I know that little boy is supposed to be in our life. I just wish Les would consider us to adopt him." She reassured me and told me Les and Mark really wanted us to be the parents but things weren't working out with the birth parents and she didn't want us to get invested. I felt a little bit better but uneasy. Many times I had mentioned to Les that I would love to watch you Tues and Thurs just to help out. So she said she would keep me posted. Well it wasn't until that incredible Sunday that truly changed our lives forever that I knew this was real. It was February 10 and I got the call from Grammy Les she asked if we wanted to come over and see you and talk babysitting. I hung up the phone a little nervous. I told Jake what had happened and he instantly asked "Do you think they will ask us about Ashton?" I was super hesitant. A small part of me thought yes but a large part thought definitely not. I was so anxious and excited. Well as you know that day they told us the news. I was overcome with so much emotion. I started crying and couldn't believe what I had heard. Someone was giving us our miracle. A miracle we didn't think could or would come true. It was all a whirlwind from that point. You started coming to our house that following Tues and Thurs from then on. The first day I was nervous. What would you think of me? Of Jake? Of the house? Of Bubba? But you were the sweetest baby and everything was so natural and easy with you. I truly enjoyed the first day. That Thurs. I knew. I knew I loved you. You were the perfect little blessing in our lives. I didn't know it was possible to love a baby that I had only met 8 times by this point. I never wanted to let you go. You were perfect. I couldn't stop kissing you. I knew if this didn't work out that I would have a lot of pain and suffering. Both Jake and I. Now its only been 3 weeks but I love you so so so much. I have never loved a child that wasn't necessarily mine, as much as I love you. As of right now, I truly do feel as if you are my son. My little baby boy. As of right now, I don't know where the future is going I don't know if I get to call you mine for all of eternity or if I just get to love you for a little bit. But I feel so strongly that the lord wouldn't put you in my life if he didn't want to. I know there is a reason for all these feelings and thoughts and emotions. Obviously I feel extremely hopeful cause I wrote a letter to a future and older version of you. I just want you to know, I love you to the moon and back. You have completed my life in more ways than one. I love you Ashton!!

Mommy Jenessa

After I wrote this letter to Ashton, we got some really really hard news. News that I didn't expect or even think would happen, another passage from my journal:

February 26, 2013
Les, came to pick up Ashton tonight and I was excited to hear if she had filed the petition or if Esmerelda came to visit him over the weekend and what not. Well we went into my living room to grab the car seat and I said so did Esmerelda come to see him and Les kind of made a funny face and I was like what? And she was like I have some bad news and I didn't want to tell you. On Monday (yesterday) she got home and it turns out Esmerelda and Josiah served them with papers revoking their rights as guardians. Which is so ridiculous  I have been bawling since Les left. I can't get a hold of myself. I just can't imagine losing that little boy to them! I can't even stand it if they even take him for a trial for one day! Les filed her petition today and the attorney is going to look over it today and call her tomorrow. For now we just have to pray and rely holy on the lord. I am so stressed and upset. I am at a loss. I am going to try and rely on my heavenly father so much at this time.

I wasn't exactly sure what would happen with Ashton at this point. I was so upset. This was going to be more tricky than we had planned and it might not end in our favor. I was so scared too. I remember thinking I just have to love on Ashton even more and kiss him double time. Two days later we got some better news:

February 28, 2013
So yesterday les called me at work and said that She called the attorney and they said let's go for it. They have no idea how the outcome will turn out. But the attorney seems hopeful which put me at ease. The attorney also said they don't know what attorney would have gone through and helped Esmerelda and Josiah because they must not know the whole story. The attorney also said we have a real fighting chance cause of les history she put together. She said its incredible and really well put together so I'm very happy! I'm extremely grateful we have the Cleman's as a support system and as friends. They are amazing! Yesterday was awful I hadn't slept and had to go into work. And than I was exhausted physically emotionally and mentally. So when les called with that it felt like a little relief cause it was some tiny good news in this messed up situation. Still have to pray fast and go to the temple.

I would be lying to you if I told you my faith hadn't been wavering at this time. I didn't know what to do. I remember going through days of being so upset and unsure and I would just cry. Than I would go through other days when I knew he was going to be with us. It was a very trying time. Than to add on to it, we found out our chances of having a child of our own were going to be tough. It would take IVF and would cost a lot of money. But through the whole experience I would look at that little boy and know it was going to be okay in the end. No matter what. It took me a long while to shake these feelings of anger and doubt. But one day I just said STOP have faith. My heavenly father knew me and what I was going through and what I could handle, so I gave it up to him. But I knew he loved me, and wanted me to have my righteous desires met. 

A week later we got the best news of our entire life. It was official we were going to adopt Ashton.


  1. I am a friend of your Sisters and after I heard the news of you being able to adopt I had to know more. I am SO happy for you guys! Adoption is such an amazing thing! Ashton is so lucky to have you guys and I can't help but think how much more he will get out of life by having you guys as his parents! Congrats you guys make a beautiful family!

  2. Reading your story seriously gave me the chills! I am so excited for you guys!!

  3. Jenessa and Jake.....SO VERY HAPPY FOR YOU. He is a darling baby and I know he is so lucky to have you as parents.

    Michelle Liddell