Where do I begin? Should I start with the fact that we Adopted a little boy. Or with pictures? Or with the story? There is just so much to tell and say and journal about that I might have to take it in certain sections. This will be part 1 of who knows how many. Lets start with pictures and than dive right in.
This is Ashton:
This is Ashton and I:
This is Ashton and Jake:
And this is our new little family:
I want to take you back to the beginning of the beginning. When I just had a little whisper about Ashton coming to our lives. This was at the beginning of January. I had gone to Mark and Leslee's (who from now on I refer to as the grandparents or Mark and Les cause they will forever be in our lives so just remember those names k? K!) to hang with them and my parents, cause they are my parents best friends. It was New Years and Jake and I didn't have any plans, so we were going to be really cool kids and hang with my parents. Even though it was lame, I will never regret going to their house for my New Years. That night I met Ashton. I walked in their home and met him for the first time and Jake and I fell in love. Love at first sight. We held him, played with him, fed him, and even helped put him to sleep. Something lit my brain up that night with thoughts of Ashton. We were driving home and Jake and I played around with the idea of how cool it would be to adopt Ashton. But that was just a fun thought and that was that.
A week later we were at Cocolito's and happened to run into my parents who were eating dinner with Mark, Les, and Ashton. Once again we held him, fed him, played with him, and fell in love once again.
Fast forward to a week later. Les called and asked if we would watch him that Saturday night while they went out to dinner with my parents. I seriously had this thought in my head: Maybe if we watch him they would consider us for adoption. Well we fell hard for him that night. He was such a joy. I want to read my journal entry from that night.
All the stories I am about to share come from my private and personal journal (believe it or not I am private with some things.):
Now for Privacy sake I have changed Ashton's birth parents names to Esmerelda and Josiah; very random and you in no way can link it to them.
January 31, 2013
Today was one of those days when I was feeling every which way! Just so many things have happened lately and I just feel overwhelmed but that's not even the word I am thinking of. Last weekend jake and I had the opportunity to go watch my mom's friend Leslee's little grandson. Now there is a back story on this. Her step daughter Esmerelda who was on all sorts of drugs and was dating someone else on drugs got pregnant. Les and her Hubbie Mark decided they would take guardianship over this baby when he was born till Esmerelda got out of jail from taking drugs while pregnant and till she cleaned up her life. Well turns out she still hasn't cleaned up her life and the baby Ashton is now 8 months old. Les has been really considering finding adoptive parents for him. But Esmerelda and Josiah have to allow it. After finding this out and falling in love with Ashton we kinda hoped Les would consider us to adopt him. But it's a little more complicated than that. Her other stepdaughter, Esmerelda's sister is being considered to adopt him. But Les said they're are complications with that. Such as she would have to never have a relationship with her sister again. She would have to be active in the church. As Les was telling me this I felt like Jake and I would really fit the criteria. And I told my mom it would be nice if Les would even consider us. Well apparently Les told my mom she had been considering us a lot lately. I got really excited. But than I also got really emotional and kind of have been this past week. Probably because it doesn't seem like this amazing opportunity could really happen. But honestly it feels so right. I really can't stop thinking and feeling like I need to be apart of his life. It kinda would make sense to me why I can't get pregnant these long 19 or so months. Because of Ashton. But a big part of me feels like it can't or won't happen. I feel like I may be reading into it so much that I am getting overly consumed. I can't help but honestly feel that we should adopt him. I know I am desperate for kids right now. I want one so bad. And I haven't been thinking about it for awhile now. But there are moments where my heart literally aches cause I yearn for children or a baby that bad. I don't think I can get pregnant on my own and I don't know why and its extremely frustrating. Jake and I decided that in March we are going to a fertility specialist. I don't know who were going to yet just that we decided to start again in March. So today is one of those days where my heart is aching. Aching for the very unknown and unpredictable future.
The same night we watched Ashton and Les was telling me about having people adopt him I remember driving home and crying. I remember feeling so frustrated about the feelings I had about adopting Ashton and feeling like that we would never be able to accomplish these intense feelings I had. I had later found out that, that very night that I was feeling the spirit tell me that Ashton was supposed to be in my life, he was telling Les and Mark the same things. She had told my mom that night that she felt strongly about Jake and I adopting Ashton.
A week again and I had mentioned to my sister Kylie about meeting Ashton and feeling this way about him, my sister also mentioned that when she met Ashton when he was a teeny tiny baby she had a feeling like he was supposed to be in our family somehow. I started to get even more emotional about trying to get Ashton in our lives and how.
February 4, 2013
Today, I don't have a title cause I am not feeling titles today. Today is just a recap on all that's happened and how I feel about that. Its been about two weeks now since I first felt like I needed Ashton in my life and he belongs there. I feel like I get even more emotional about it now, cause it feels so right and real. I feel like I always want to see him and hope he is around more. Lately, more news has come up about him being in our lives. Saturday night we had my brothers baseball auction to go to. My mom invited all our siblings and all of her friends. So Mark, Leslee, and Ashton were there. I was hoping he would be, and he was!! I of course held him the entire time, and took care of him. So, I had been wanting to talk to my mom about the way I had been feeling all week about this little boy. But she was out of town and than that night I went up to her and just explained a little bit about how i felt, she told me these exact words "Les told me in strict confidence that she feels strongly that you and Jake should be his adoptive parents." I felt more hopeful. But as I was talking to Les, she still has never said the words that we are the ones she choose, but her and Mark have said they have made a decision on who should get him. But when I was talking to Les, she told me things indirectly towards the hopeful adoptive parents, but not necessarily saying our name. But she said that she doesn't want to tell this couple she is looking for them to be the parents cause there is a big chance she could not get parental guidance over ashton and we could end up putting all our eggs in one basket and losing them all. There is a chance that Esmerelda and Josiah wont sign over papers. There is a chance we could put all this money into and it would be thrown away without ashton. So I completely get why she is doing this. It just is hard, I KNOW were supposed to have that little boy in our lives. But sometimes the world works differently than you planned and heavenly father still has different plans for us. So we are going to keep going like we would and see how it all works out.
Stay tuned for part 2. The day we found out we were the couple chosen to adopt Ashton.