Monday, February 23, 2015

Thoughts on Infertility, Pregnancy, and other Ramblings

I have been thinking about writing something like this lately but kept going back and forth on the ideas. But now I have so many random thoughts on pregnancy and such I figured I would just write one big random post. Now this post is mostly for journal purposes so don't feel obligated to read (especially since this blog has turned into straight up pregnancy postings and that can be overdone real fast).

When we first found out we we're pregnant I can't explain the feelings. Was this real life? It felt like our time but I had been feeling that way for the past year. So when I finally saw those two pink lines for the first time in my life, the happiness is something I still get giddy about. I had never seen a positive pregnancy test in our 3.5 years of trying. I still get little butterflies in my tummy and a big smile spreads across my face when I think about it. But the funny thing is, I even remember thinking at that moment, if this is the only positive I ever see again I will still feel so happy. Just that God even blessed us with that one little bright light was great.

NOW here I am more than halfway through this miracle pregnancy and I just want to talk about the now. This is for those that still read my blog that may be going through infertility or some trial that you may feel like the end is never near. I saw some dark days through our 3.5 years and I may see more to come in the future when we try to have more children. I never thought I would be able to carry my own children, or that I would have any for that matter. Ashton changed that all. (but thats a whole other blog post ;)) Although it has been the hardest trial that I have faced or yet to face, just know that its ALL been WORTH IT. Its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially when the tunnel is pitch black and you feel like you have been walking in that dark tunnel for quite some time. But as a person who has been there, its worth it. Every tear, bad day, bad news, failed attempt, was all worth it. Without it I wouldn't ever have my little Ash Man. And if I didn't keep fighting like hell to get what I wanted, I would never have known what its like to carry a little miracle. The moral of the whole story is keep pushing, cause I PROMISE the bigger picture is so much better then you imagined.

Okay now onto the next random thoughts in this scatter brained head of mine. Let's talk pregnancy. Although my first trimester and a little bit of my second I literally never thought I would feel better again. Pregnancy has not been easy. But its the most amazing thing. I tell Jake all the time I wish he could feel for just a second I am feeling cause its the craziest and neatest thing. It really is a miracle once you sit and really think about it, what is happening. When I first felt him kick It made everything so real and so right. Then last week I was sitting on the couch and I saw this movement in my belly out of the corner of my eye. When I looked down to see I realized it was his kicks. I could literally see them for the first time and once again It was the neatest and craziest thing. Then just tonight I felt something hard sticking out of my stomach so I pushed on it, and then he came up and kicked where my hand pushed and I felt his foot. I legitimately squealed. I was so happy. I still can't believe what a blessing and miracle this whole thing is. I am so grateful that I get to experience it. Even on the really crappy days.

Okay last random thought. Body image. I think pregnancy is so beautiful (cheesy right?). And of course I have dealt with my fair share already of "wow my tummy is getting big" or "man my thighs have started getting chubbier". But honestly at the end of the day I feel so confident and beautiful. (Not to toot my own horn). But I am well aware, my belly is bigger then some and I am well aware, that everything else is going to get larger. But from the beginning till now most days I have sincerely felt beautiful. And I love that. I don't know if losing a bunch of weight and finding a confident me before is the reason, whatever it is I will take it! 

Okay I am done! Thanks for sticking with me and my random thoughts! 
Love you, MUAH!

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for this post.. love you. Your amazing, infertility sucks! There is nothing fun about it, lots of bad and dark days for sure.. Im sorry that it took sooo long and yet so happy it is finally your time! You guys are the best.