This is my confessional.

Blogs are like journaling. But more open, which sometimes can be freaking scary. I hate when I second guess myself about what I should or should not post on my blog. It's MY blog, dammit! I can do what I want! So this post is on behalf of all the ish that has been going on (deep inside) our Frahm household.

Disclaimer: I always love being open. (As many of you know ALL too well) I love when other people are open too! Not that it's a bad thing if you private or whatever but I feel like there are so many people out there who can totally relate to exactly what your feeling at that moment. So that's why I am sharing MY confession.

Get Ready! Jake and I have been trying...yes for a baby. For the past 14 months. Let's back up. This all started when we were dating. Well actually if we want to get all technical when I was a little girl. I had always dreamed of being a mom. I would always stick balls up my shirt to have a belly, and I had baby dolls galore! I remember when I was first coming into young women's and they were introducing me and one of my random/interesting facts was that I wanted to have a honeymoon baby when I got married. Well I obviously grew up and my hopes and dreams changed. I still wanted a baby but around 7th grade I got this idea to become a nurse. As we all know I have been pursuing my nursing career and it's been anything but dreamy!

So when Jake and I started dating I told him, IF we got married I wanted to get my degree first than start a family. He agreed...but than we got married and he was asking me for a baby. I told him I still stood where I was. Well things kept not going the way I planned and I was getting frustrated. I was confused at where my path was supposed to go...School? Family? June of last year my Grandpa Schroeppel passed away. He and my grandmother had 11 kids together and all at his funeral there was talk of how they never were ashamed of their children and how they probably would of had more. It made me think of how "selfish" I was being or whatever. I was also struggling on my 3rd trial of a new birth control I was on and decided now would be a good time to go off it. We had only been married 6 months at this time!!! WOW!! Well, I had seen my sisters in the past get pregnant so easily, so I thought it would be sinch! The first 3 months, it didn't happen and I wasn't worried just thinking we weren't doing something right.

After 5 months of nothing, I started to get worried. We hadn't told anyone we were trying cause we were scared/worried about people changing our opinions. I kept going back and forth on if this still should happen or if I should go back on birth control. In Oct. we had General Conference. I prayed that I would get an answer from that session. Well I ended up missing all of Saturday's and nothing happened on Sunday so I thought maybe I didn't get my answer. Than a week later I went and looked at Saturday's session and there it was: Elder Neil A. Maxwell's talk titled Children you can find it here! I was sure this was talking to us! So another month went by and at this point we had been trying for 6 months. I finally went and talked to my mom. She suggested I make an appt. with the Doctor just to see. I did and he wasn't going to be able to see my till after Christmas. I figured it would all be fine.

The beginning of December, I decided to tell my sister's. After a long discussion with them and a few close friends my sisters told me I didn't want to throw school away. I was going to try to go to Provo College in the next couple weeks anyways. Well, Provo College didn't work out, and than my doctor told me I should try the NuvaRing. I tried the it for one week and it came with complications. I than found out I was suspended from UVU so all my plans of School and life felt worthless. I never went back on birth control and we kept trying without protection.

We started to make plans for our future. Jake got a new job, I decided on a whole new plan for school, and we were going to therapy. After doing all this we both realized how grateful we were we didn't get pregnant in the last 7 months. We needed a lot to work on. Now 14 months later, I KNOW were ready. What has changed? Jake's job has GREAT insurance, more income, and better hours. Our relationship is more steady and healthy and we communicate better. We have a lot more in savings and income to have a family. School: I decided I was going to take school as slow as I could so I would be able to reach my goal. In doing so I wont be finished with school for another 4-6 years. Which is fine, but I don't want to wait THAT long for a baby. I always said I wanted to be married at least 1 year before having a baby and I didn't want to be a teenager. At this point if/when we have a baby I will be 21+ and we will be married for 2+ years.

I honestly feel very ready, to take this on. But there have been some hurtles. We went in June to the doctor cause it had been one year of trying. He told us we might need to do a few tests to see if there are any complications. He isn't worried that I can't cause I am "the ideal" candidate to make a baby. But he thinks there might be a little blockage or what not. But someday's I get downright sad. I see people getting pregnant so easily and it boggles my mind. At the other time I know people who are having even harder struggles getting pregnant and it makes me grateful. I KNOW without a doubt that someday Jake and I will have children, its just a matter of how. Tomorrow I go in for a procedure called an HSG, I am just realizing now how nervous I am for this surgery and a part of me, wishes it was easier for me. But right now this is my trial and I hope that one day I see why.

In the end, we are still very happy with the time we still have alone together, to live! The "practicing of making a baby" is also pretty fun too :) Thanks for reading a little part into the Frahm Fam!